Living as a Turtle🐢in the World of a Cheetah🐆 Part I

September 2019 – Riviera Maya, Mexico

Lolita and I navigated through Akumal in true jet set style — on the back of a stake bed truck —  we amusingly pointed out the number of invasive hipster yoga studios crammed in amongst a long stretch of foreign-owned condos & kitschy pastel-colored hotel buildings while giddily rattling along a cobblestone road onto our final destination: Yal-Kul Lagoon. A local tour guide we had met at the entrance of town had happily acceded to my request of allowing us to ride on the back of his truck, as I subconsciously simulated my handful of high school off-roading experiences in west Texas. Alas, the former “alluring” risk & adrenaline rush of possibly falling out of the truck bed onto a cactus or rock were pretty much eradicated as we were safely gated in like cattle; not to mention this wasn’t exactly hilly desert terrain nor were we going at an expeditious pace. Now in our late 30s, I’m sure that neither Lolita nor my skeletal system would have appreciated flying a few feet into the air & landing onto a surface that wasn’t made up of H20 or cushioning. (And yes, back in the day my scrawny teenage self did manage to stay in the truck bed the few times I nearly flew off along with the horde of my other classmate miscreants😅)

Upon arriving to Akumal, I was disappointed to discover that I would not be able to snorkel nor swim in the ocean with the wild sea turtles of the region. You see, starting precisely that day in September that activity is suspended for a whole month by the local government in order to help the turtles get a respite from the tourist inflow — not to mention that month is their busiest mating, spawning, and hatching season. I was fortunate to snorkel with whale sharks 4 years earlier off of Isla Mujeres  so I accepted that a wildlife encounter was perhaps not meant to be this time around. I’m all about giving nature and conservation efforts some personal space… even if it meant sacrificing some shots for the Gram… #altruisticIknow #saynotoinstantgratification😆 

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Fast forward to the present, hello returning and new readers! Happy New Year! It’s been a long whileeeee since I’ve last posted. I didn’t really have a desire to write again, I’m still a bit ambivalent truth be told. But we’re on this locomotive already so it’s too late to get off now; at least not until the next stop. I’m not entirely sure where to begin, dang, a lot has happened since my last post. As some of you know, I finished my 7 installment autobiographical miniseries pièce de résistance “Encountering the Divine” in 2018.🤯   After that, I was like, I’m good. 🙇‍♂️Memories disclosed. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Time to move on, #ByeFelicia.  Well turns out I haven’t outrun my past completely just yet. I’m not going to go through every minute detail of what has occurred to me since 2018  (after all— cue Barbara Walters: This is, 2020)—  I will to try to be more concise and abbreviated now with my posts.  We shall see.😁

Sooo yes, let’s go back to talking about animals. I’ve recently discovered that a turtle is my spirit animal. (As the kids say) I feel like people usually pick way fiercer and fantastical creatures (like the jackalope or unicorn), however, don’t underestimate the power of a turtle. Especially a teenage mutant ninja one. (Hehe🐢) Indeed those are heroes in a half shell — and as a child I always considered myself to identify more with Leonardo, the leader of the tribe. (He took himself way too seriously most of the time though, ugh, #relatable)

Growing up, the leader within was definitely lost on me although the affinity for the color blue stuck. (Leo was the turtle with the blue bandana btw) As much as I love fictional animal characters, I’m very much more akin to humans as I get older. (Wonder why 🤔🤪)I left the last series confessing that I struggled with a lot of pride after God impacted my life in a pretty big miraculous way. On top of that, for most of 2018 & 2019, my “God-dar” felt off. (Geez, that word does not roll off the tongue well) It seemed like he showed up more subtly, yet seldom. Not that he wasn’t & isn’t there; it’s just that my frantic mind seems to drown out that faint still voice of my subconscious. (Which is only one way of how he communicates with us) 98% of the time I’m compulsively over thinking and struggling with indecision.

(Think the character Chidi from the Good Place…Yea,bummer,I know)

Chronic anxiety perhaps has always been there, but I’m more cognizant of it now (Ironically awareness can exacerbate it also). My mind never stops; my heart is always racing unless I stop to pay attention to my body and attempt to breathe. (Deep breathing is an art in of itself that my body has never learned to do well. I’ve always taken just enough shallow breaths to stay alive apparently.) I believe my anxiety has worsened with age and since adulting has become a more consistent theme in my life. Oy vey. A year and a half ago after finishing chronicling events of my spiritual awakening I made a decision to be present to the now. Apparently it takes more work than a declarative statement.  Yea, not so easy for the mind of an addict.  I’ve been experimenting with meditation on and off for a while with minimal success. Acupuncture is a new tool in my tool bag. I’ve seen some short term results. You know, for like 15 minutes after the fact. Lol. 

 Consistency is the key that I fail to grasp often.  I’m always seeking new healing modalities but don’t stick around long enough with a few or even one of them to master it or allow the neural pathways in my brain to form a new habit. Writing was somewhat cathartic in the past.  So I’m going back to basics. I’ve returned, and not just for the sake of publishing posts or racking up new likes on my IG account. I do wish to hopefully help kindred souls along the way that can relate to some of my human struggles— and triumphs!

A few months ago I started journaling half an hour in the morning or up to 3 pages in my notebook. This is one of the tasks of The Artist way, a book that has persevered since the 80s that has helped people reclaim their artistic side. (And one that popped up on my radar several times before finally deciding to purchase it) An artist is something I never thought of myself as. Perhaps you haven’t either. Well turns out, we all have an artist side in us that we must cultivate. Through creativity we channel the flow of the universe and a deeper connection with our spiritual side — and ultimately, our creator. At least I think that’s the path God has had me on.  In fact, there are several paths that I’ve been exploring. I just burn myself out by focusing on too many. You can’t split yourself in various pieces when hitting forks in the road. (At least I can’t) I’ve found it’s best when I travel one road at a time. (More on that later)

So last year I’m like ok, I’m going to go back to school to get my masters in social work, I am an empath after all. Might as well become a therapist/counselor and work in my giftings. Makes sense right? Well, sometimes.  That is the standard most of us are trained to follow, the proverbial carrot to strive after: go back to school, get your masters/doctorate degree, make more money. Well having a graduate degree doesn’t necessarily translate into a lot of money, especially if you incur a lot of debt to obtain it. (Career choice dependent also)  I have several friends that still have the weight of debt on them years after finishing school. That being said, if you know what career path you want and what degree is needed to land the job of your dreams; and it’s financially feasible on the long run — then by all means go for it. However, if you’re like me and still haven’t found what you want to be when you grow up; then read closely. (Sadly, you can’t be a Toys R Us kid anymore; RIP Geoffrey🦒) Some of us aren’t destined just to do one thing or be in one dream job.

So, I just didn’t know what next step to take with my life so I thought that going back to school would be the best solution till I had the next light bulb go off in my head. (If only I could manage to discern which one to pick from the hundreds of blinking ones.ahhhhh💡💡💡 ) I began researching and discovered social workers are highly underpaid for what they do. I said to myself, well I’m not doing it for the money. If I’m following my passion then the money will come on its own. An uncharacteristically outwardly wise friend of mine (I say that because he comes off just being about fun & games all the time but he is a boss when it comes to business and entrepreneurship) suggested that before I applied for school that I should volunteer somewhere to get my feet wet.

He mentioned CASA, an organization that lobbies for children that have been temporarily removed from their homes by CPS (Child protective services) due to some form of abuse. Abuse can come in various forms (physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, etc) I researched various nonprofit organizations and eventually opted to apply with CASA.  CASA stands for court appointed special advocate. Once background check approved and after undergoing a month of intense training, a volunteer basically serves as a court advocate (guardian ad litem); they are assigned to a case of a child. A child usually has already been placed in a temporary home with either other family members or foster parents by the time the CASA volunteer comes on board. Once introduced, the CASA has to be in contact with all parties — from the lawyers of the parent/parents/guardian from which the child was removed, the child’s lawyer (they get assigned one by the state), district attorney, the CPS social workers, school teachers, therapists and the CASA supervisor.

The CASA supervisor handles about 20 to 30 ongoing cases constantly. So obviously there is a strong need for a volunteer to be assigned to one specific case because there’s no way a supervisor can possibly be completely in the know of all the particulars of each case they oversee. They have too many. Essentially, my job was to do a monthly check in with anyone involved in the immediate life of the child and document it. We are the neutral party that is advocating in court for the child’s best interest. It involves at least a 20 hour time commitment per month. Most cases last a year and can go up to 17 months or longer. At the time, I was like hey, I’ve been through some shit and have come out of it —I could definitely support a child that is in the midst of some family drama and be a consistent role model during that tumultuous time of their life where they find themselves uprooted from their normal living situation.

Little did I know what I was in for…  I obviously am sworn by the Texas family court to confidentiality so I can’t give any specific details of the case. Ok… I think I can disclose a few non-identifying ones since it’s closed now.😏   I can say that it was unique in the sense that it was already well underway when I came on board so it only lasted 6 more months after my placement. The child ended up in the best possible circumstances so I was glad to be a part of that process.  However, if I’m being really honest, it wasn’t as fulfilling of an experience as I expected it to be. An excess amount of time was spent on administration/documentation or checking in via phone or email with multiple parties; which I anticipated.  My regular life and fulfilling the minimum requirements of my volunteer role took up the bulk of my time. I only had the opportunity to go see the child once a month (which was the expectation). Nonetheless, there really wasn’t much of a chance or time to go above and beyond and actually develop a bond or good rapport with him. He was a teen and actually kind of spoiled by his guardian, so he was in his own little world and seemingly not really appreciative of my help. Not that he had to be, my heart wasn’t in it for the recognition, although my ego may have differed in opinion often. It just took up much more of my time than I bargained for because most of the interactions and check-ins that are required happen during business hours, while I work! So flexing that proved to be quite a challenge. I couldn’t always compartmentalize CASA duties to specific times of weekday evenings or weekends.  My brain was more “squirrel, squirrel!” than usual.

Towards the end of the case, I was standing and trying to speak in front of the judge in one of the courtroom hearings (there weren’t too many luckily) when suddenly I was #inmyfeelings. Translation: I had a mild panic attack. I had my notes and statement ready for CASA’s recommendation and just felt my heart start to race like Speedy Gonzales.  I struggled to breathe, it felt like several runaway cars were colliding and piling up with a barricade on the highway within my chest,  the wreckage manifesting itself in the form of a clogged up emotional discharge;  which in turn, was sending an emergency shutdown “ mayday” to all of my body.  My eyes started to water up and my voice begun to quiver: I felt like I was about to burst out crying any second.

You’re probably thinking, dang, was there some major drama Judge Judy style going on? No, that’s the problem; there was seemingly no sensible reason for this bodily reaction.  Luckily, I managed to blurt out and finish somewhat coherently what I had to say to the judge but basically it felt like my emotions caused my body to shut down on me.  Or it was my body’s visceral reaction of resisting the uprising emotions that was the culprit. This is known as the freeze response. I’m sure you’ve heard of fight/flight or freeze? Ok I know I’ve discussed it somewhat in a post many moons ago.

People who have suffered trauma react to danger in one of those three ways. Ok, maybe it’s everyone; it’s our body’s automatic nervous system responses to protect us from danger. The problem was I wasn’t in any danger.  Mentally I knew I was safe, but my body sensed fear and experienced anxiety. One of the parties present in the courtroom was triggering and did cause me trepidation although her beef wasn’t with me. The combo of her mere presence and perhaps the normal nervousness of testifying in a courtroom overwhelmed my body and hence it sent forth a rush of chemicals and endorphins that besieged me.  Since I was child, much like a turtle, I would become paralyzed and shut down when feeling threatened. (Except the whole part of having a shell to hide in. You could say the shell was my mind.) The more common reactions are people going into fight mode (go AWOL and overboard with anger like a ferocious lion); others prefer flight — fleeing from danger (much like an antelope or rabbit). Basically, I had an unwanted and poorly timed response that I was unable to control. It left me feeling powerless, frustrated and angry with myself (despite it not being my fault). I realized this had been a hindrance to moving forward significantly in any part of my life. Especially when it came to facing conflict or having adversity, those things are unavoidable in this lifetime when trying to progress. That’s partly what had kept me in isolation and fearful of the world for so long. So here was my past rearing its ugly head again. That incident was a maddening reminder that there was still more healing to be done. My mind, heart, and body needed to connect and all be on the same page. (A foreign and seemingly impossible concept to me) I had to start working on rewiring my brain and remind myself that I still needed to rely on God’s guidance if I was going to achieve any further healing on a physiological and psychological level.  Sure spiritual too, why not; the whole human gamut can always use improvement.

I had the epiphany that if I was constantly triggered and overwhelmed doing this as a volunteer how in the heck was I going to survive a WHOLE career as a social worker? Damn I’d burn out before I even finished school. Not much fulfillment in sight there. So out the window went that whole grad school concoction in my head. Looking back, the decision to go back to school last year never felt quite entirely right. As per some Google research, speaking to a grad school adviser & social workers I knew — it dawned on me I wouldn’t make substantially more money with a masters in social work (MSW) compared to what I’m earning now; at least not until getting my clinical licensure after my masters (which requires a ton of hours) and after loads of debt later. (It’s proper to point out that there are grant opportunities for males getting their masters in SW and more of a bonus if you’re bilingual.) I’m just saying, in case you’re interested. I also considered a counseling degree but the MSW was more versatile beyond just giving therapy.

After months of mental hoopla, I determined earlier last year that my experience in CASA had served its purpose — it was better to realize that laboring in a field that deals with people drama was just a bit too much for me, in that moment anyway. The future could look different. I was still in the midst of the case when I had that insight and managed to get through it for the next few months. Like I mentioned, it had a very favorable resolution and I was proud of myself for having seen it through. I officially “resigned” from my brief tenure as a CASA volunteer a few months ago. However, allow me to do a quick endorsement.😁 If you feel led to do so, you should definitely volunteer, as you can make a major impact on a child’s life: CASA for Children . Especially if you haven’t gone through significant trauma yourself, you’ll be better equipped to not let other people’s difficult life issues affect you as much. In my humble opinion, CASA is perfect if you have a somewhat flexible schedule or are retired. They definitely need more men to step up. Majority of volunteers, just like social workers, are women. Many of these kids in CPS custody have no consistent or good male role models in their life.  (A large portion of the cases involve minorities too) It’s very unfortunate, I hope to be that for a child one day, when my body’s parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are in alignment. Ok, my CASA plug is over.

So after all that I was like great, that was my plan A, go back to school while I figure out my life. Dead end. (Silly turtle, tricks are for rabbits.) Little did I know; God had something greater in mind for me.

While all this was going on I was in an accountability Whatsapp chat thread (it’s like GroupMe for Latin people) named Ignite! with a group of people living all over the country. It was started by a recurring character on here: you guessed it, Lolita. TBH, initially when I reluctantly agreed to be inserted into the group (I’m pretty sure I was asked first), I was like “great , one more group on my Whatsapp with more notifications to send my mind into a tailspin and keep me hooked to my phone, what is this one about??” (Even seeing the app badges with the number of messages awaiting can cause one underlying anxiety).   I imagine myself verbalizing these thoughts through my inner David Rose, character from Schitt’s creek:

Quick pop culture divergence, recently a couple of friends very malevolently pointed out that I reminded them of David Rose. I know..(deep breath)mystifying! What is the source of this falsehood you may ask? Perhaps it’s my facial micro-expressions or charming mannerisms? Let me say for the record that I vehemently object to such an association. I am not that extra and I am always radiating ebullience. (Except when I’m not) Those select group of friends will never have the pleasure of knowing they were right with their sentiments; in this particular instance. I mean, they’ll have to wade through this post first, good luck. (😉) BTW, for those that don’t know me I’m joshing about my indignation — once assimilated — I found the tongue in cheek comparison to be quite hilarious, I only wish I could sometimes be half as openly blunt as David is. (I can turn the sass on if need be though😆)

Back to Whatspp , like most of you, I have several groups with different sets of friends or with the same overlapping friends with in an inordinate amount of threads for various topics. Turns out this one was going to be about sharing personal goals and helping each other stay on track.  (Okayyy, I’m here for it – well, maybe I wasn’t at the time) Lolita sort of morphed into the role of a life coach, sharing with us insight and knowledge that she had gained from leadership development and business conferences that she had attended that year.  Truthfully, half the time I was flustered (doesn’t take much); checking in via video or text with people made me feel on the periphery. It didn’t really give me the intimacy or social stimuli that I desired. Not the group’s fault, just one of the limitations of technology. For an addict it’s really important to continuously have face to face interactions and relationships with others. I had to remind myself it wasn’t all about me though.😁

Nevertheless, for my duration as a group participant, I was amazed at the amount of time Lolita dedicated to sharing the information she was learning at these aforementioned seminars. I mean besides the usual daily banter of everyday life or the occasional funny GIF, one person was selected to do a comprehensive check in once a week be it via long written message, video, or voice message. (The latter was the preferred option). There were maybe 5 or 6 of us in the group. Lolita also hosted a few virtual workshops to which we could invite other people too. I was in and out of the bubble of my mind through 2018, but when present I was taken aback of how passionate she was about the resources she was sharing with us and the time she took to invest in each of our lives. Obviously she and I had known each other for years, she has always cared and had a heart for others but this was on a whole other level.

At first I think my ego was like Tay Tay and murmured “You need to calm down”. A human’s natural reaction is selfish and at times envious too (at least I am when I’m operating in my false self/Peter Pan), you don’t want a relationship dynamic to change if it is good.  It took me a while to accept she was evolving for the better; she was growing exponentially as a leader and well, human being. It was my own insecurities being triggered that instinctually wanted for her to slow down. It unintentionally tested me. It took me a bit to get on the same page mentally, but a true friend eventually lends support.

She was flourishing in her personal job, traveling the world constantly, always made time to provide a listening ear or help someone somehow, and has a heart for God like few people that I’ve known. I was seeing her teaching and spiritual giftings at work as she used them to help the Ignite crew get unstuck in their lives. (Or more like God was working through her) Not by telling them or me what to do, but by asking the difficult questions that perhaps one doesn’t always want to face —thus challenging us to dig deep into our  hearts to unearth those true desires within. The inner happenings of her world and the Whatsapp group had been background noise to my oversaturated life but after a while I got curious to what had sparked her freshly renewed zeal for life. I mean she even went to a marriage conference as a single person in order to prepare herself and be more open to a future partner if that’s what God had in store for her. When you know someone for a long time who stated that they never had interest in getting married and all of a sudden they are open to it — you take notice. I was like, “What are you on? What sorcery is this?”🧙‍♀️🧙‍♂️

Hmmm.. I needed some of this juju or modjo.  Returning readers, you may recall, self improvement in all areas of life was a course Lolita and I had been traveling together in different ways since beginning our spiritual journey. But she was like Bey at Coachella, feeling herself and knowing it.  Strutting like a queen down the runway with her crown in place. Yaaaaas slay bishhhhh!!  (I’m so not part of the Beyhive, but that documentary on Netflix was fire.) Basically, confident in whom she was becoming, but without ego attached. (Can’t say the same for Bey) Getting hooked up originally by her sister, the conferences Lolita had been attending were given by a speaker, author, entrepreneur, philanthropist, and multi-millionaire named Dani Johnson.  (She has way more titles than that, but you get the drift—an accomplished human being)

At first I thought it was Danny Johnson, some dude. Lolita kept harping about her for several months. This woman had been giving business leadership and communication conferences for 30 years already. Turns out she had been on the Oprah show, Secret Millionaire, Forbes Magazine, and numerous other media outlets and had some worldly renown.  Unsurprisingly, I had no clue who she was. My head was buried in the sand most of my life, or up my arse if you don’t like picturing ostriches. 😮 (Uncouth, I know)  I was like great, another motivational speaker, not that I had ever paid to see one. Although I had heard about the Tony Robbins walking on hot coals type of gurus.  My skepticism meter was highly elevated. That being said, as life had its way of humbling me the last few years; the reality was that I was not a successful business person so maybe I could stand to put my ego aside and learn a little bit from someone with influence and money? I mean I had little of either one. And if a friend I highly esteem recommends her the least I could do was my due diligence and do a little research for my own curiosity’s sake.

Lola invited the whole Ignite group to go with her to one of Dani’s conferences: First Steps to Success. Basically everything Lolita had been sharing with us was business & relational knowledge that she had been learning at those conferences. Besides her conferences, Dani Johnson has various resources available online including some free ones such as a book, podcast, and YouTube videos.  The conference cost was $500; I thought that was a bit steep. (Little did I know how much leadership development conferences can really cost) So I meh’d the idea of attending when I first heard about it.   I started looking into her little by little through her podcast; she talks business leadership, entrepreneurship, marriage, spirituality, health, getting out of debt, communication with people and understanding different personality types— basically life and how several areas must be taken care of in order to live as whole human beings (or as best as we can in our imperfect selves). The main thing that drew me was her classification of personality types – she called them GEMS – similar to Enneagram, Myers Briggs, True Colors, or a variation of those personality assessments out there.  I won’t go into it all right now (I’m trying to simplify remember) but basically as per Dani, there are four main personality types: Rubies, Emeralds, Sapphires, and Pearls. We all have characteristics of each GEM but most people run in one dominant one and a strong secondary one. If you want to know more, check out her website www.danijohnson.com

I was mainly interested in learning to communicate with people that were different than me.  I’ve always known that certain personality types have always rubbed me the wrong way. The at times loud, brash, direct, take no prisoners, go-getter natural born leaders of the world have always been my Achilles heel. Basically the people that are the opposite of my personality type (I’m a pearl/sapphire) are those that get me most out of my comfort zone – and we all know, consequentially perhaps the ones I could stand to learn the most from. (You too!) Again, my body gravitates to the freeze response when placed in uncomfortable stress inducing situations, but I knew I had to do something to grow and start dreaming again. So avoiding placing myself in those scenarios was something I had to refrain from, but instead perhaps consistently venture into in order to build resilience. 

Returning readers, you know, the prophecies of yore that God presented to me weren’t my dreams (at least not conscious ones); they scared the bejesus out of me.  As I continue to remind myself present day, I still had to go through life like everyone else, God won’t literally tell me what to do. If going back to school wasn’t the next step, what was? If I was going to continue my growth as a person I could not let fear run my life again. Especially fear of people. I needed tools of how to communicate and love people of all shapes, sizes, and personalities if I wanted to really excel in any endeavor in life involving personal or business relationships.

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Lolita invited all of the people in the Whatsapp group to First Steps to Success and generously offered to pay for the hotel room – the conference would take place January of 2019 in Orlando, Florida. We just needed to cover the airfare, conference cost and our meals. To minimize food costs, the suggested plan was just to go buy prepared meals/snacks from a grocery store and eat from our hotel room during the breaks. (An option Dani shares via email before her events to help attendees save $$. We opted for Trader Joes) The conference price would go up around the beginning of November. I was debating back and forth on spending $500 on a conference ticket plus the plane ticket. I prayed on it but was wavering back and forth. I couldn’t discern a clear yes or no.  It would be an investment in me. Would I consider myself worthy of it?  The excuses in my head were:

“Well the holidays are around the corner, what if I decide to go home for Christmas this year? I need money for that, that’s a lot of moolah for a weekend seminar. Can’t I just go to something local or to a workshop of some kind for a few hours? My growth has always been slow, not wham bam in a one weekend experience. I’ve done spiritual retreats before. Even though this is more business oriented, reading her book should suffice. “

Blah blah blah. The excuse hamster kept spinning on the wheels of my mind. Fact is, I was not trusting God with my finances, a struggle that still arises on occasion. Turns out, I had enough miles for the airline ticket through my credit card. (Which I use only for the purpose of accruing points; I place as much of my day to day expenses on it as possible and then I pay it off in its entirety each month. Nifty trick once you learn to budget accordingly and not overspend) It was just the $500 conference fee I was hesitant about. I eventually realized I had not taken a leap of faith in a long time.  (Well besides volunteering for CASA). Eventually I was like screw it; I decided to buy the ticket before the price went up and shared the news with the Ignite Group.

I finally saw it as an investment in myself,  I was worth the $500! Well, as always, my compulsive thinking mind wavered back and forth the following few weeks as to whether I had made the right choice or not but at that point it was done.  Just because my mind may be in disarray at times — doesn’t mean God isn’t chill and relaxed in the background with his plans for me (and you).

In October of 2018, I posted some used electronic gadgets on eBay that had been donated to my workplace back in 2012. They had quickly become obsolete and incompatible with our evolving IS system and just sat in a box in my office for 6 years. (Our IT team had no use for them)Eventually, weary perhaps of seeing the clutter in my workspace, my boss was just like “dispose of them.”  (Anyone volunteer to be my personal Marie Kondo?)I was about to do just that but decided to post them on eBay just to see if I got any bites. Then I forgot about it. Well, flash forward maybe a month and a half or so, it had been a few weeks since I decided to purchase my conference ticket, when I got an email from eBay stating that those computer accessories had sold.   After eBay/PayPal fees, my tithe (which I send usually to my church or a charity) — guess how much money I received? Yep, you betcha: 500 buckaroos. Maybe like $504 to be precise. God was like, here’s your money back, thanks for playing the trust game. WHHOOOOAAAAAAAA, that metaphorical “double rainbow oh my god!” feeling never gets old. I had been rusty with my leaps of faith, but God responded accordingly. He was in agreement that I should go to this conference apparently. Excuses out the window!

In retrospect, what came out of that weekend in Orlando is rather magical, only now am I starting to perceive the aftereffects. A seed was planted in my heart. I was soul punched, my ego flipped upside down, and definitely given a good spiritual shakedown. How so? Well I can’t go into all the insight I gained at the conference, I filled up half a notebook. I have revisited my notes and am reminding myself as I type that I need to schedule that into my planner to do it more consistently. We only retain 25% of the information we hear (as per Dani), and that’s just initially. Then we forget half of that a few days later. It was three days of a comprehensive look at various aspects of our lives that we need to nurture as human beings: legacy, family, relationships, fun/adventure, spirituality, work, physical body, charity, marriage/children).

  I was tapped into the new possibility that my narrative didn’t have to necessarily follow the regular programming of working 9 to 5 for the rest of my life, or go back to school to then return with more debt before hopping back on that corporate America hamster wheel. Ascend in position, manage more people, increment stress and hours worked, make more money but have less time to enjoy it or the relationships in my life. At least that’s what I’ve experienced and witnessed in others while laboring in the corporate world for the past 15 years or so. Even if I decide to stay as a worker bee with a corporate giant, Dani taught that there are ways of being more efficient in one’s work role in order to increment your productivity, value, and compensation. (Becoming an employee-preneur)

However, a year ago and now more than ever, I know I want to have more freedom and time in my schedule to explore new things. I’m not meant to be trapped in the doldrums of a 4 walled office space for the rest of my life. Perhaps you aren’t either friend.

The teachings from that conference reinvigorated a desire that was briefly unearthed back when I worked in insurance during and right after college years ago. I wanted to have a business that created passive income: which is basically income that is earned continuously, long after one initially works for it. That consistent stream or streams of income would free my time up to explore other endeavors in life and spend more time with those I love. Insurance can be a tool to obtain that; through commission payments that continue arriving throughout the lives of the active insurance policies sold. However, insurance bored the hell out of me so I gave that up!

Now God was rekindling that seemingly faded flame. But what could I do Father? What else can provide real value to others that I would actually be passionate about?

For the first time in my life, I actually felt led to start a new path that I thought was for everyone but me… something “my personality” (as per my inner critic) could never withstand, a word that highly intimidated me, but that now God was showing me was possible through him. The path of an entrepreneur….

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September 2019 – My last morning in Tulum, while Lolita slept, I staggered out unusually early out of my hotel room towards the beach. I only had a few hours before checkout.  Upon my arrival to the ocean, the faint morning breeze revived my senses and ushered me along as I traversed south along the shoreline, past the remaining resorts and into remote & somewhat unspoiled landscapes. I hurriedly crossed through algae-littered beaches and climbed precipitously over jagged rocks in my unsuitable-for-hiking Hari Mari flip flops. I would pause on occasion for a snapshot or to glance at the tide pools teeming with unassuming life, while the coastline avian species that would sporadically accompany me hovered overhead.

Like Frodo, I was on a time-sensitive mission, eager to find an abandoned & fabled lighthouse that a fellow wayfarer had gushed about a few days earlier. This gentlemen told me it was only 15 minutes away. My haste was not only fueled by impending check out time and the desire to make it back with enough time for breakfast.  I was also running from feeling the sting of the all-too-familiar blade that had pierced and wounded my heart the previous evening. My old foe, shame, skipped along a few feet behind me at every step as my attempts to outpace it seemed futile. The previous night, I had a sexual fall, I ended up in the room of a couple from the Netherlands for a brief and rather unremarkable tryst. (Similar and limited in scope to the ones I’ve described before , although the couple thing was new— newbies, feel free to peruse my blog for that old chestnut😏) This was the culmination of a series of poor decisions, an abundance of margaritas, and lies that I had gradually permitted to gain more ground in my mind throughout the trip. (I had concealed my struggle from Lolita as well )

As my steps incremented, the landscape kept changing…

Almost 45 minutes had gone by, my spirit remained undeterred, I continued forging past abandoned Mayan ruins, dilapidated buildings, and an eerily quiet jungle in search of this lighthouse — which much like for weary sailors — had become a symbol of hope for me , all whilst simultaneously starting that commonplace internal scampering away from God…

And I ran, I ran so far away, I just ran, I ran all night and day… I couldn’t get away🎵

To be continued…

God spoke to me through this song recently when I was experiencing severe anxiety, I pray it does the same for you in this moment if you struggle with this issue … 

And I won’t let you down..

You never think that you can fly
You’ll always swim against the tide
Don’t you know your pain is mine?
And I would die a thousand times to ease your mind
To ease your mind

Bonus (semi spoiler of next installment):

A week ago, I was in the “quiet room” of a library undergoing the near final editing process of this post and was reading through my brief mention of the Ninja Turtles at the beginning. Directly outside of that room is a courtyard where a group of older kids decided to play UNO while shouting at the top of their lungs for several minutes. (Uno ain’t that exciting) Annoyed, I moved out of the room into the main library area and plopped myself down on the first table I could find. There were only 20 minutes left till closing time.

I looked over to see this…