Leaving Peter Pan in Neverland (While journeying towards manhood)

I just recently turned 35; the whole week leading up to the milestone number I had this song stuck in my head….

WARNING:  Material in video has some sexually suggestive content (well, the entire post is related to sex after all), although sadly, what music video today doesn’t? Just putting it out there beforehand so you won’t view, should people twerking trigger you in some way. =) Groovy tune otherwise!

Everybody buy me a drink it’s my birthday, yeah… Everybody dance with me, it’s my birthday…yeah!

The video reminds me of untamed moments of my  youth, with it’s not so subliminal references to 420, parties with scantily clad people grinding with one another, driving around party hopping — I don’t know about the cavorting with taxidermied animals though, nor the skulls or the upside down cross. That wasn’t quite my thing. (Silly Cape Towners.)

That little part of me that wanted to party and do something exciting kept surfacing as my birthday loomed near. Along with my usual automatic self introspection (or instinctual self-reprimanding at times) of I’m now one year older, what am I doing with my life? 35 seemed more of a landmark date than other previous numbers. I suddenly left the youthful and ever present 18-34 age bracket. In theory, I no longer have an excuse to behave like a child; I’m a grown ass man.  Well, what do you do when you know somewhere in your personality there’s a Lost Boy or Peter Pan that doesn’t want to grow up?  I suppose there are many interpretations to what growing up means. I am still single; being 35 doesn’t mean I need to stay home reading a book every night. (Mind you, I’ve engaged in this activity with increased frequency; it can be quite fun & mesmerizing with the right book) However, as stated in other posts, long gone are my weekends of clubbing & partying. Once in a blue moon, I still do enjoy having some nice cocktails in company of friends and ending the night on a dance floor. Although it gets harder & harder to create that kind of scenario with my peers. Several of my friends are couples and/or are married. Others have kids. A few are single as well. Priorities change, that’s part of life. In my 20s, everyone was always up for a late night of dancing. Nowadays, everyone has obligations on weekends or have to wake up early the next day. (Including myself )The fact is my party past still haunts me, part of me misses it, yet I no longer desire the nightlife to be the primary focus of my life.

When I was a boy, I always dreamt of flying; I wanted to be Peter Pan. (I recall practicing  “flying” from the top of my bunk bed, ouch) I wanted to fly away to a magical island to get away from it all, hang with the Lost Boys, battle Captain Hook, and never have to worry about growing up.  Sadly, as an adult, I’ve come to recognize that part of that boy is still trapped in me somewhere. His role isn’t so heroic anymore. He’s kept me from maturing, which in turn, has left me feeling stuck in certain areas of my life. Relationally (at least when it comes to a partner), career-wise (I still don’t have a clear picture of the next step for my life) and addiction wise. I’ve delved into the addiction topic throughout my posts, specifically in Learning to Leave Addiction Behind ( But I’m Keeping the Disco Ball)  a year ago. Well I guess it’s time to formally check in and give an update. Newsflash : Not officially healed yet!

That struggle is far from over and boy has it been real. At times, it seems like my disease has metastasized and the relapses have increased in frequency. With sex addiction, as I’ve described before; when triggering/stressful situations arise — my default mind/body reaction to cope is to act out sexually. Although I talked about it a year ago, only now am I really walking the walk and putting in 100% effort to rely on my fellow addicts and the tools of my recovery program. (Heck, everyone important to me in my life now knows. The more transparency the better) Deep down, back then, I wasn’t ready to give it up yet: working towards sexual abstinence until marriage fills me with fear and isn’t an easy task.  (Especially since the possibility that I’ll never be married exists. If it does happen, it’ll be with a woman. Given my gay past & sexual orientation, that will be something miraculous. If this is your first time on here, take a peek at my other posts, you’ll see I can’t claim to be impervious to the existence of miracles. My faith level just isn’t there quite yet. And that’s ok.)  I’m my own worst enemy; pride has been my Achilles heel. I will say I have more fight for my sobriety now than I did a year ago. (Although that has taken a lot of relapses) As I continually get glimpses of how good life could be like, of living more connected with others and experiencing love; I want to work harder to preserve and build those things. I want to have stability. I started working the 12 steps of recovery in the fall of last year.

I’m currently working on my 4th step, which partially involves  examining my character defects. Without realizing it at the time, I’ve already somewhat touched on all of the steps for the past 8 years with life’s daily lessons and other recovery programs I’ve participated in. (Mainly through Christian ministries) However, now I’m actually doing them sequentially within a secular 12 step program. Recovery is like peeling an onion, there’s always a deeper layer that needs healing. For a recovering control freak and perfectionist like me, the 4th step isn’t a piece of cake. It’s something I definitely can’t walk through alone. The last few weeks I’ve gained a new awareness of this inner rebellious child that doesn’t quite want to go away. (In fact, he never may) However, the next step in my recovery is acknowledging and being conscious of these defective parts of my character. My problem is awareness can easily turn into self-condemnation. That inner voice of shame and self-loathing grows louder as I discover these things. That’s not the voice of God; that’s the voice of darkness, of evil, of the invisible enemy I’ve discussed before. Although how do you distinguish the sources of your various thoughts, especially when your mind is racing? Which to listen to and which to not?

Allow me to elaborate. Around the time of my birthday, especially if I’m doing something to celebrate it with friends, I have the craving to get some new clothes. One shirt at least. Because God forbid I’m photographed again with a previously worn shirt and on my birthday nonetheless! Yes, I was very vain & materialistic in the past; and sure, I still am to a certain degree. As humans, we all are.  Luckily, I’m not as hard on myself anymore.  Before it was unhealthy because I spent beyond my means, now when I want to buy myself something it’s budgeted for and comes out of my discretionary income. As I’ve posted about before, I’ve been blessed to live debt free for the past 5 years. I usually place all of my expenses on my awards credit card and pay it all off at the end of each month in order to reap the benefits of the gained points. Which I usually use for airfare. So for this year’s bday, I was able to set aside $100 for my clothing budget. Oh yea, and $25 for a haircut. More of a styling/trim cut, my preferred stylist usually charges $45 for the full shebang. Consequently, I don’t see him that often. Especially for the past year that I’ve been trying to grow my hair longer. I’ve only had three haircuts in the past year!( And that was with someone else who charges half the price for a not as great haircut. You get what you pay for I suppose) Oh yes, I had also set aside $35 for a half hour chair massage which I need at least once a month, for all the knots I get in my shoulders and neck due to life’s demands. That’s where I carry all my stress – and in my gut. (We’re not going there this time .. hehe).

One day, approximately a week before my birthday, I was stressed at work. Amongst the many things I was anxious and “future-tripping” about was planning my birthday celebration.  I deliberately didn’t do anything to celebrate my 31st, 32nd or 33rd birthday. I was partly rebelling against other people’s expectations of having to do something just because it was my birthday, and I rather felt like doing what I wanted at the time: which was being low-key. I remember spending a couple of those b-days by myself. I was trying to break free of the pressure of feeling like I needed to be over validated on that one day by my friendships — which I was proud of doing for myself at the time. Although looking back, those decisions might have also been partially influenced by starting to feel stuck again in my early 30s; I slipped into a subtle depression and my usual pattern of isolation. I think I had too many transitions at the time like moving to a completely different part of town and rebuilding my social circles from scratch; the friends I hung out with either moved or I had to cut out toxic people from my life. I also slipped away from going to church frequently during that time. It was a phase I had to go through (once again)to learn the importance of living connected with others and most significantly — discerning what kind of people I wanted to surround myself with.  I finally put a little something together with a few friends for my 34th. So this year I wanted to step it up a notch.

So this one stressful day I went home and got an email saying Diesel had a 30% off sale. (You know, the clothing brand)This discount was quite paltry considering how expensive those clothes are. So I decided to take a peek and window shop through the website and saw a cool pair of red (burgundy to be precise) skinny jeans. They were priced at $300. I know I know. Over the top. Although it is really the only brand of jeans that fits me well, not to mention they last several years. With the 30% discount, they would still come out to $210 + tax. I saw I would get another 15% if I signed up for an online account. (I already had one of course through my personal email) So I used my work email to get a new account and hence a new discount code. With the additional 15% (+ newly added shipping fee) the pants would have still come out to $187. I had a budget of $100 for clothes. What was I thinking? Why was I going down this rabbit hole? My brain was running through a million ways of re-budgeting my finances to make it work. Mind you, I’m trying to save for a trip with friends in December. It was just not feasible. I finally closed the computer and stopped the madness. I started retracing my steps and my thought process throughout the day and realized that another way for me to alleviate stress or cope is by doing compulsive shopping. Which hadn’t been an issue for a long time but it resurfaced again as my birthday drew near. I shared this with a colleague the next day and was happy I caught myself doing it. In the past that just led to buying things I didn’t need and then feeling guilty about it. Not to mention being broke afterwards.

At this point an inner voice in my head starts going off:

You dress too young for your age, you’re not fit enough anymore to pull off those clothes,  you’re still so vain, you haven’t changed, your a failure compared to everyone else amongst your peers, God doesn’t want you to celebrate your birthday either way, you’ll never outrun your past,  etc.

Hmm, ok. I managed to temporarily swat those thoughts away. Two days later my cousin unexpectedly comes into town, he flew in because a friend of his got him a last minute ticket to Austin City Limits. He had a couple of hours to meet up with me. I already had plans that day to go to the mall; he came along because he also wanted to buy himself a shirt. He’s got an eye for fashion like me (he doesn’t know the concept of casual wear though, dude’s always dressed for a night gala seemingly) I thought, great; he can accompany me and keep me accountable. It’s always good to go shopping with a person that keeps you in check. Otherwise, the danger of shopping more than necessary can arise. Honestly it can be stressful too. I like having new clothes; I don’t enjoy the process of going somewhere to select them though. Anyhow, we go to this high end mall in Austin with all the fancy designer shops. Which most of those places aren’t in my budget; except one, Zara. It’s a Spanish designer retail store with tailored European style clothing for those with not so large pockets. The clothes fit a bit slimmer, which are perfect for my body type. It’s truly hard for me to find clothing that fits me well since I’m slim. Tailored clothing is what fits me best, which is usually more expensive. I can’t help it. Thank you Zara for saving me! And occasionally Nordstrom when they have a sale. Like my boss said, I have champagne taste on a beer budget.

My cousin wanted to go to J. crew, but we dropped by Zara first. I grabbed a bunch of stuff to try on and ended up liking a shirt and two pairs of pants. Remember, I had a budget of $100. $30 shirt, $40 chinos (plus I’d have to get them hemmed for $15 bucks) and $60 black skinny jeans. If I bought all three I would have gone over budget by $45 plus tax. The skinny jeans had a little shine to them and fit me super well. Obviously they would look good with a fitted t-shirt (which I had plenty of at home). Although they don’t fit as well as they used to in my 20s, since I have a bloated belly half the time. Damn you, IBS. So am I dressing too old for my age? Who’s the authority on those things? GQ? I can still pull it off. But why am I doing it? For me? Or to impress others? What kind of attention am I attracting when I wear these clothes?  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with a t-shirt and jeans. However, as a recovering sex addict, I’ve had to discover patterns in my behavior that are triggers that start me down that slippery slope. Even though I really wanted the jeans, I listened to my cousin who was the voice of reason. It would have put me in a tight financial position going $50 over my budget; plus the reality is: Would I ever wear them besides on my birthday? Only when I go “out “. Which is rare. The gray chinos I could use for going out and for work. The shirt I chose was a black button up shirt with white polka dots and could also be used for work/casual wear. Not to mention it’s a “more mature” 30s look. I opted for those two choices and stayed under budget. ($75 bucks + $15 alteration =$90) Great success gypsies!

So you’re still probably wondering well what’s the big deal dude? You’re being overly critical of yourself; you can still buy black skinny jeans later if you want. True. Let me unravel things a little further. When I clean shave my face, I look very young still: mid to late 20s. Well, everybody tells me that. Which is a good thing for my vanity, trust me. For me overall, perhaps not so great I’m discovering. I always figured that looking younger helped me feel not as old and like I had more time to work on my issues. My life circumstances stunted me for a long time and I’ve always thought that I’m not where “everyone else’ is career or relationship wise amongst my peers. It’s a dangerous thing to compare myself to others. Social media , especially Facebook , can be detrimental because I can focus on what I don’t have or what I’m not doing when looking at other people’s lives. This evokes feelings of frustration or jealousy. Because let’s face it, everyone posts the best pictures and the most fun moments on social media. From that lens, everyone’s life is perfect. I’m guilty at times too,  it’s human. Social media brings out the narcissism in all of us.  I think my blog is the balancer from the “check out how cool my pictures are” component of Instagram and Facebook. I’m more detailed about the imperfect parts of my life on here. I don’t even deal with Snapchat. (Twitter maybe soon, to promo my blog. Who can teach me how to tweet?) God has each of us on our own unique journey, we have to look straight ahead, and not from side to side to see what everyone else is doing. It’s hard for me to remember this often. Reality is, God has been growing my character for the last 8 years. From the outside, I may not look “successful” to others. But what’s more important, looking good on the outside or feeling good on the inside? I’d like to think I’m more focused on working on the latter nowadays.

The not so great part about looking younger, is that it has now saddened me to realize that for a long time unconsciously I tended to act “younger” when I looked and felt younger. And by younger I mean “foolishly”. I’ve managed to deceive myself. Does that make sense? When I’m clean-shaven or have very little scruff I see myself in the mirror and it’s like I’m looking at my Peter Pan alter-ego. I’m more laid back about certain things. I get a more rebellious or an immature attitude, especially when it comes to my sex addiction.

Cue inner addict/Peter Pan:

So what if you feel like getting off or hooking up this weekend? It’s not that big of a deal. YOLO! You’re still young and attractive. Everyone else is doing it, why can’t you? You’re not hurting anyone. You don’t have to resist your desires. This time, it’s going to different, you won’t feel bad afterwards. It’ll be worth it. This time your catch will be a 10. Just this one last time and then you’ll stop.

Notice the contradiction and hence lies when Peter Pan starts to echo in my mind? Sometimes he tells me I’m too old, other times I’m still too young. When I start accepting and giving in to these thoughts, I start getting bombarded, my addict slowly starts taking over my mind and pulling me back into the familiar cycle of calamity.

As stated before, once I run through that cycle nothing remains but shame and despair.  I was never interested in the object of my desire for more than the chase and the fix. It’s never worth it. When I leave facial hair on, I look a bit more mature and it’s a reminder that I am in my 30s. The addiction already consumed all of my 20s and early 30s. It’s a disease, but I no longer have to accept that it has authority over my life. That ultimately I do have free will to make my own decisions. God won’t force me down the path he has for me. I have to choose to want it. If I continually make the wrong choices, I’m only sabotaging my own life. I’ve gotten to a point where I have no one else to blame but me. It’s a day at a time of making the right choices. Overwhelming myself or “future-tripping’ doesn’t help with my default state of anxiety. Jesus himself commanded to not worry about the future.

Matthew 6:34 – Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I just need to push through the days where I’m feeling like…

Feels like we only go backwards (Tame Impala)

Not only does a clean-shaven face feed into my youthful rebel, my clothes do also. The tighter the shirt and the pants, the more pressure I feel to mold my body so it can be better accentuated by those clothes. If I want to wear fitter looking clothing, I need to feel fitter. That in turns shifts my perspective from wanting to work out for my health, to wanting to work out to look “attractive”. Another slippery slope for me. I have to sometimes stop to ask myself now, why do I want to look bigger? Who do I want to impress? My workouts mainly consist of group training like TRX strength training, yoga or Pilates. I rarely do weights anymore. Why? Because when I look more built, I want to show off the progress. I miss my guns. But again, a false self-absorbed douchey self takes over. I revert to old me of placing my worth on my appearance, not on how God sees me. I’ve always been thin, and I’ve always wanted to look like the Hollywood buff super hero to feel like a man. Since I’ve developed a relationship with God, I don’t feel that tension as much anymore. It comes and goes. I just have to be present to when those waves come around. They’re all hooks to pull me back into the addiction. The more I check myself out shirtless in the mirror after a workout; if I linger too long ,the temptation of wanting to show it off online to other guys creeps back in. Feeling validated by guys through this method is a false affirmation and usually leads to that same old rabbit hole of insanity. I now realize I have to share these feelings every time they surface. And I’m learning to, with the people I do life with, whether it’s in my addiction groups or my close friends. Oh yea, or here with you, my readers. =) Before I would hide these quirks about myself due to shame. But the reality is they gain a foothold and power in our lives if we let them fester. No matter how insignificant these thoughts or behaviors may seem, they’re not. It’s important to express them and call them out immediately. Otherwise wounds will continue to manifest themselves in old unhealthy patterns.

Case in point, continuing my b-day week story, I left the mall that day and dropped off my cousin and another friend of his at the Austin City Limits music festival (ACL). I was feeling slightly trigged to act out because there had been some attractive guys there at Zara; plus I was dealing with the sad realization that how I dressed correlated with my acting out behavior. Earlier that day I went to the gym to get a good workout and stretch, which I badly needed; good intentions overall. In general, I did fine and it wasn’t as huge of a mind battle as I expected. There wasn’t much eye candy luckily either. Weight lifting is a very isolating activity where I don’t talk to anyone usually. I’m just usually listening to my headphones, like most people at the gym. So several triggers hit me that day one after the other! I shared some of them with my cousin in order to process outwardly. Recognizing them is the first step to preventing them from controlling me, so I was grateful I was aware of them as they sprung up. However, slowly my addict was still gaining a foothold.

I’ve shared that my smart phone has restrictions on it that don’t allow me to download new apps. A buddy of mine has to put in a password in order for me to download new apps. If I have that open, when tempted, I will download a social/dating app like Grinder. I’ll start talking to people I shouldn’t be talking to , with not so good intentions. That can turn into a chatting binge of hours or worse case, into a hook up. That temptation is not there if I can’t download any apps. Better be safe than sorry. The previous week I hung out with that buddy and he opened up the restrictions so I could download a couple of rideshare apps that I needed and also an app called Soul Revolution that has this 60:60 project that my church is currently doing. Basically the app beeps every 60 minutes for 60 days and sends you a biblical verse. The premise is for you to be present to God throughout the day; to stop for a few moments whatever you’re doing and to ask God to come into that situation. To practice” mindfulness” if you will.  It’s hard for me to stay in tune with God during a busy day. I’ve been using it now for a few weeks and its helped me to take a breath when those hourly beeps come in and reassess my situation if I’m feeling stressed or not in a good place emotionally/mentally in that moment. Honestly, other times I ignore it too. We’ll see if it helps rewire my brain a bit after 60 days.

Well, slight problem was, as soon as I downloaded those apps, my phone died. My buddy didn’t have a chance to close down the app store for me again. We were out to dinner with other friends at the moment so it’s not like I had access to my charger. I thought to myself, no big deal, he’ll just lock it down next time I see him. Although, I knew I couldn’t trust myself completely to not download Grinder until the next time I saw him. He travels a lot for work so it’s only a couple of times a month I meet up with him. I asked him to send the restriction password to a friend from SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous).  I see that guy at least a couple of times a week in meetings. Flash forward a week later to this triggery Saturday that included the brief hangout with my cousin —  I dropped him off at the festival in the evening. I live really close to ACL. This year I was mainly uninterested in attending. In the past I’ve dealt with FOMO. When there’s a music event of some kind near me, part of me wants to be involved.

Hey, look at all these people here to party, smoke and have a good time. You should too. The party is literally next to your house! You should be having fun. There’s a lot of young, hot out of towers also. You know you have access right now to download apps. Take advantage. Check out the prospects. You can have someone over once the festival ends. You’re about to turn 35, give it one last hurrah while you’re still young. You owe it to yourself. No one needs to know.

Yep, all these thoughts start rushing in like a collapsing dam. I identified the earlier thoughts in the day but at this point they became too overwhelming. Ultimately, I’m powerless over the addiction. This point particularly is where I have to surrender control, well because I have none anymore. As an addict, this is the most important part of action: the act of surrendering or “turning it over to God.” I have to call someone, confess that I’m in danger and that I’m on the edge of the precipice. For the past year and a half in SAA, pride has gotten the best of me. The addict/Peter Pan, my dark alter-ego, whatever you wanna call it takes over my mind completely and says nope, screw it, I’m right next to the flame at this point  —might as well walk into the fire!” #Anditburnsburnsburns #theringoffire. Alas, I did something that has rarely happened. I called a fellow recovery group buddy in my moment of need. He didn’t pick up; I left a voicemail detailing the situation. But my mind was already made up. I still wanted to download that app. And I proceeded to. He texted me a few minutes later saying he was available to chat if I still needed to. Pride took over. I texted back and said I was fine. Once again, God provided a way out and I didn’t take it.

By the way, that’s a promise he gives in his Word:

1 Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

This scripture has proven true in my life. I can’t tell you how many times when I’m on the brink of acting out that I get a phone call or text from someone; it’s either someone in addiction recovery or a friend who I can actually talk to about this issue — and hence break the spell. My addict doesn’t want me to pick up though; it’ll end the “fun”. 9 out of 10 times I don’t answer. If it’s not via phone; it’ll be a RANDOM song from my mp3 player, radio, or computer playing in the background where I suddenly catch the lyrics warning me not to proceed. It’s as if God is trying to break through the addict bubble that I’m in that moment. I’m totally not kidding. Here’s a couple I recall:

a) Ages and Ages – Divisionary.

The lyrics of the chorus said “If you love yourself you better get out, get out, get out now! Do the right thing, do the right thing, do it all the time, do it all the time. Make yourself right, never mind them, don’t you know you’re not the only one suffering.”

b) Or Depeche Mode – Broken “When you’re falling, I will catch you, you don’t have to fall that far. You can make it, I will be there. You were broken from the start”

Those are actually those song’s lyrics. Eerie I know. It’s happened too many times to blow it off as a coincidence. God always throws me a life jacket; I usually ignore it and decide to drown instead. I’ve journaled some crazy precise instances where God has intervened and stopped me from acting out that I’ll probably share in the future. These warning/red flag situations have happened repeatedly over the years. I can’t play dumb anymore, it’s time to listen.

So I proceed to download the app, take some body shots (with minimal and no clothing of course),open a new profile on Grinder and start mingling. That activity was interrupted a couple of hours later when I had to pick up my cousin and his friend from ACL. They weren’t there that long. I dropped them off at their car, which was like 15 minutes away from my house. I went back home to resume my addictive cycle. By God’s grace, I chatted with several guys but did not end up meeting up with anyone. I masturbated before going to bed and the bubble of lust finally dissipated and I deleted my pictures and app. However, the app store was still not on lockdown. I went to church the next day and the message was precisely on pride being the biggest downfall for all of us. Timing was spot on! The pastor said it was a killer to our spiritual life. Don’t I know it…

Peter Pan starts spouting off again on Sunday:

“Hey, your birthday is only a week away. Tomorrow you’re going to meet up with your recovery buddy to lock down the phone. You’re taking the right steps. In the meantime, take advantage while still have a chance. Use this window of opportunity. Last night may have not worked out. Surely you can find someone today. ”

Sure enough,  I listened again to those deceitful thoughts and repeated the scenario from the evening before.

If I had a quarter for how many times I’ve listened to Peter Pan. (In case you haven’t caught on, he’s a villain in this story. You can thank TV’s “Once Upon a Time” for shifting my perspective on that character) I remember when I was 29 thinking that when I turned 30 I would start making the right decisions. I still had some time to goof off. I blinked and  5 years passed me by — I was now 34 going on 35 saying just a little more.  Fact is, for an addict : “Too much is never enough”. Even the next two artists would agree …

Bob Moses

Florence and the Machine

Or how about that line from The Killer’s “When you were Young  ” :

They say the devil’s water – it ain’t so sweet
You don’t have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

I’ve been dipping them for far too long…

There was a point that Sunday afternoon I was chatting with two different guys that wanted me to come over to their respective places and “hang out”. I started thinking of all the good social things coming my way that week: my recovery meeting on Monday, my church fellowship group on Wednesday, my Tues/Thurs workouts, and my birthday dinner that Friday. I didn’t want to miss out on that. A year and a half ago, I was still deep in my addiction where there wasn’t much to look forward to; I was isolated from most relationships. Once again, I had a choice. I made a decision to cut the urge and my losses by masturbating (the release reinforces the addictive synapses but at least it burst the addiction bubble and gave me the impetus to say no to those two dudes and delete Grinder again) I chose the lesser of the two evils. I know when I’ve acted out with another person before, that feeling of shame only keeps me isolated and unmotivated to be around the people I love. The weight on my soul after hooking up is much heavier than that of just jacking off to porn. (Not to minimize the negative effects of pornography or spanking the monkey. I’m working towards being rid of those two from my life completely also.)

I’ve fallen too many times to want to deal with hitting rock bottom anymore and then building myself up slowly again. Then repeat. I’m attempting not to continue dwelling on the negative consequences of acting out and in turn feed fear and anxiety; but instead retrain my brain  to live increasingly more out of  joy by focusing on the  healthy relationships and/or activities I get to experience when I don’t act out. Catch my drift? ( For more on the brain’s control system and how it regulates our emotions, click here . I studied some of this material from the Life Model early in recovery and highly recommend it. I should probably revisit it ) Ultimately, only love from others and connectivity will continue bringing forth healing; “trying harder next time”, self-condemnation and isolation never do.

I’m transparent now with all my circles, there’s nowhere to hide. Thanks to the journey God has had me on for the past 8 years, I now have the resources and support that I need to deal with the painful feelings that I’ve tried to stuff for years, with the painful awareness of how broken of a human being I still am, and now have the ability to choose whether to make decisions that will bring me life, or continue making ones that bring “death”. (More so in a spiritual sense of course). So that Sunday, I chose to stop inflicting damage to myself and do something else. My buddy locked up my phone the next day. I went on to enjoy staying connected that week with community and didn’t miss out on life. For me, that’s a light at the end of the tunnel and a step in the right direction. One of the major slogans for 12 step addiction recovery is “progress not perfection.”

I’m finding recovery comes in addiction sloooooooowly – it’s both a spiritual awakening and psychological/physiological re-wiring process.  The 4th step, it’s doing an inventory of the good and bad aspects of our character.  I think I’m done analyzing the bad for now. However, like a wise friend told me, it’s a matter of awareness not condemnation. I think God wants us to be aware of our powerlessness in areas of our lives because he loves us and wants to bring us healing through daily reliance on him. (If we get past the whole pride thing.) The devil speaks condemnation into our minds. We need to discern the various sources of our thoughts. Like I asked earlier, how do we do that? My pastor said something recently that stuck with me “”Sometimes we are driven by the voice of fear and insecurity … but that never comes from God.”

In conclusion, there’s nothing wrong with pampering myself here and there, getting a haircut, buying new clothes or getting a massage for my birthday. It’s ok to do things for me— I just know in the future to tread more carefully and be aware of what I’m feeling and stay accountable to others because those particular situations can get dicey for my addict. I probably will never be able to get rid of Peter Pan completely. Pretending he’s not there or beating myself about it isn’t helpful. Just accepting he’s a part of me and keeping him present will loosen his control over my life. He has some good components to him also; I can still remain young by learning to “fly” in other aspects of my life. (You won’t see me in green tights anytime soon though. Black skinny jeans, not now, but never say never. I could become a punk rocker, you don’t know. :P)  I’m ready to explore the world beyond Neverland at my ripe “old” age of 35. haha. I owe it to myself. I want to make a difference in the world and help others along my journey. Surrendering control daily to God is the key. Lessons definitely learned these last few weeks.

Pray for awareness: what unconscious habits do you have that lead you down slippery slopes?

Here’s to 35 and soaring to new heights!

I didn’t know l was broken till I wanted to change,  I wanna get better, better , better, BETTER !