Fighting the Real Enemy ( I get knocked down but I get up again ♫ )

Greetings cyber world visitors!  It is I again, transmitting not so live from my home central processing unit. I hope my absence hasn’t been terribly inconvenient; after all, it hasn’t been many light years. I just recently watched an old school episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun on Netflix, so I’m channeling my best alien-like sounding writing for this intro. (Feel free to go back and read this as slow as possible in your best John Lithgow impression). No, not sci-fi enough right?

Ok, that may have epically failed; I’m not a big sci-fi fan either way. I wouldn’t know how to speak sci-fi-ish (that a thing?), much less write it. Nonetheless, I am momentarily intrigued with the genre after getting through two episodes of Stranger Things. Hmm – it’s a grower. Ok… time to move on. I do, however, have updates on happenings in my life of intergalactic proportions! Frenzied is a good word to describe the climate in my life during and after the publication of my previous post. As this entry’s main image indicates, it’s as if I’ve been waging war with an animated mouse! But since animated mice with red shorts don’t exist in reality, my strife has really been with invisible forces.(Which sounds even weirder) Bear with me…

The saga all began the week I released my  post: Encountering the Divine – Part 4 (So…who is this guy Jesus?). If you’ve read that series (I recommend you do), hopefully you now better understand that there are both good and evil spiritual forces that surround us, influencing our everyday circumstances (Whether we’re aware or not). Like I vividly described, forces of darkness assail us to resist our efforts to progress in certain aspects of our life. Especially if what we are doing is aligned with God’s will. Case in point, the night before I was slated to finish and publish that particular entry, I came down with a fever and splitting headache as I wrote on my computer. I started feeling super dehydrated no matter how much water I drank. These symptoms forced me to stop laboring and retire for the night. I had already planned to work a few hours from home for my daily job the following day (a Wednesday) and take the afternoon off to wrap up my blog post and actually publish it. (Increasingly, the deeper the intensity of the material that I write about, the greater the resistance I experience when attempting to publish my work) So I was bed-ridden most of the day that Wednesday, I hardly completed any job-related work. I could only muster looking at my laptop for 15 minutes at a time before dizziness took over. I kept asking God to help me feel well enough to complete my post, which I had already been working on for several months at that point (Along with Part 3). Overall, easily I must have put in somewhere between 50 to 60 hours of time into those two posts. I just knew if I didn’t finish it that week, that my future schedule was going to be busier and that most likely I’d put off completion indefinitely. (Trust me, I can nearly always find an excuse to do something other than write)

That day I received an email from my mom in which she forwarded a texting app conversation with her siblings, in which one of them basically broke the news of a family member who was ill and had just gone on hospice care. (I’m usually the last one to find out about family news since I live far away from my hometown. #dontletmebethelasttoknow #beforebritbecamearobot) The person in question was my aunt Dawn, who was previously married to one of my mom’s brothers, precisely the one that disseminated the news. I hadn’t seen her in several years. I definitely saw her with more frequency when I was younger.  Although it wasn’t as long of a time gap, I also hadn’t seen her daughters (my cousins) in a while; whom which I was also deeply saddened for. Dawn had suffered with a chronic illness for years but apparently took a turn for the worse several months before and didn’t want anyone to know — my cousins finally shared the news with the family when she was placed in hospice. Additionally, that same day, an email chain lit up my inbox from a fellowship group that I attend at my present-day church announcing the tragic news that a couple from group had just suffered a miscarriage. I know her and her husband and that news also disheartened me further. Besides the fever/headache, I also had developed diarrhea and my colon felt spastic. I know, TMI. I wasn’t having stomach cramps but I could feel like my intestine was overactive or anxious. Well it felt like my entire digestive system was having seizures. I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and have had incidents in the past but this was quite unique.

I couldn’t get a hold of my mom and or her sister that day via phone, but managed to reach one of my cousins that evening to find out what was going on more in depth. So being ill and getting dumped with a double whammy of tragic news left me discouraged and feeling like I should postpone the publishing of my post. Which was about 98% done at that point. I was just wrapping up the editing process and adding pictures, etc. I phoned a friend whom I asked to pray for me and help me assess the situation. It just seemed like the circumstances were conspiring for this not to happen. I felt somewhat guilty of all these negative things suddenly materializing and here I am wanting to stay focused on completing a personal project. The weeks prior I had been feeling strongly led by God, or my gut intuition if you will, to see this task to completion — all of a sudden, all I had was anxiety, self-doubt and uncertainty. My friend told me something that I needed to hear at that point: “Will there ever be a perfect time to post it? Is there ever going to be a time when nothing is happening?” That strengthened my resolve. After nibbling at some food and taking a nap I managed to work further on my post a few hours that evening. I however, could not meet my self-imposed deadline of finishing that Wednesday night.

I still felt ill the following day and called in sick to work. I went to see a doctor, he examined me but didn’t seem quite sure of what I had since I wasn’t nauseous or vomiting; he didn’t prescribe any antibiotics. (I don’t like taking antibiotics either way unless absolutely necessary) He asked if I had eaten anything unusual in the last couple of days. I watch closely what I eat due to my IBS condition; I really don’t eat junk food, dairy or much less fried food.

I AM A COOKIE MONSTER THOUGH..NUM NUM NUM!!

I usually prepare my own meals during the week or buy prepared ones from Central Market. It’s like an Austin version of Whole Foods, only not with the exorbitantly high pricing (Don’t judge, that doesn’t make me a yuppie). I had bought some prepared beef picadillo that was not part of my regular diet and had it for lunch on Tuesday during work. The doctor said I probably had a reaction or episode related to that. He didn’t call it food poisoning though. He said it was viral but didn’t really diagnose me with anything based on my visit report summary. Part of me felt that my malady was due to something more than a bogus food reaction. I was put on a bland food diet and told to stay on that until it passed.

That same day (Thursday), I receive a call from my mom saying that her aunt (my great-aunt) had fallen, broken her hip, and was now hospitalized and undergoing surgery. She was at the hospital with her in that moment, the fall had occurred on Tuesday , and a social worker that goes in daily to see my 98 year old great-aunt at her home didn’t discover her until the next day. I was like, OMG, the last thing my family needs right now is another tragedy. As I mentioned, both of these ill family members of mine lived back in my hometown of El Paso. So I’m far away and helpless at the moment to go be of any support to my mom or my extended family. It felt like everything was coming undone…

After my doctor’s appointment and a quick stop for soups and liquids at Central market (did I mention I really love that place? :P), I went back home to plop myself back in my bed. When I finally mustered some energy to get back on my laptop and finalize my post, my web browser kept crashing. That’s happened before when I’m on the brink of publishing a blog entry. There’s a web browser issue or my internet connection loses signal for an extended period of time. Like I’ve described before, evil does not want me to finish what I’m doing. Hence, all these bad news ‘grenades”, connectivity issues, and illness symptoms dropping on me for the past 24 hours that almost succeeded in breaking my resolve to move forward. I had never experienced that great deal of resistance in any of my writing. Given the subject matter, “Jesus”, this was not a coincidence. Darkness has not been interested in me revealing my experiences through my writing. Despite the ongoing struggle, I finally managed to publish my post Thursday evening.

I went back to work on Friday, although perhaps that was not the best idea since I still had a splitting headache. I’m stubborn like that, besides I didn’t want to waste two days of paid vacations. (Hey, I’m trying to save some PTO for end of year holidays. The random doctor I had seen the previous day had actually suggested that I wait until Monday, but said if need be it was safe for me to return on Friday.) Point is, I drag through Friday and then wake up Saturday morning still feeling ill. I called the clinic I went into on Thursday to set up a follow-up appointment. Luckily they see patients on weekends. They have multiple doctors at this facility, so whoever could get me in first is what I was aiming for. I figured, I’ve been sick since Tuesday and not noticing any improvement — gimme some drugs! A couple of years ago in Mexico, I came down with Montezuma’s revenge (look it up, not pleasant) so hoped maybe antibiotics would help this time like they did back then. But again remember, the doctor had already told me what currently plagued me was viral, not bacterial. So medicine wouldn’t help. I was risking going back and being told to wait it out again. I was at my wit’s end though.

My appointment time was set for 2pm, ample time for more sleep! Before passing out again, I checked my email. I had a message from the head pastor of my church. The church I currently attend in Austin is called Gateway. I’ve been going on and off for the past 7 years since moving to Austin. (Oh yea, there’s still a time gap I have to explain since my previous writing has been centered around 2007-2008. No worries, we’ll get there) There are three campuses in Austin: North, Central, and South. Mind you, the head pastor speaks at the main North campus and I stopped attending that location around 2013.  The 3 ½ years I was at that large campus I never met the guy; although I definitely appreciated his authenticity, teaching style, and his heart for people. In fact, it’s the first church in my life that I’ve attended; where over time, I’ve actually felt integrated into the community. (Not that it’s perfect either of course. I’ve come to find there’s no such thing. I mean, you’re dealing with people, they’re imperfect. As am I, hard to believe I know. Hehe). How I ended up there is a tale for another day.

I only met the pastor, John, this year because he got wind of my blog through a mutual acquaintance that I hadn’t even seen in years, but that I had forgotten was on my Facebook list of friends. (I usually share my blog posts on my personal Facebook page). Just when you think nobody is reading…As a result of him perusing through some of my writing, I was invited to give a two paragraph synopsis of my homosexual struggle for a series on sex that he was doing at his campus. That was back in April. I just pre-recorded a voiceover that was a piece of a bigger puzzle that all came together when I saw that particular service. (Mind you, I don’t sound anything like Morgan Freeman but do find my voice rather pleasant. #infaltedegoalert) The production involved voiceover snippets of other people’s stories as well as a live interview with a woman. I spoke to John briefly after that service and that was it. I had accepted the invitation to share a little piece of my story in hopes that it would help other people, especially those that have been burnt by religion in the past like me. Although my participation was minimal, it was still quite the emotional and anxiety producing rollercoaster in the weeks leading to that. For a sec there I thought I was going to be filmed or interviewed live. Definitely was not ready to be placed in the spotlight like that then. It turned out the way it needed to.

Flash forward to July, I get a random message from John (I guess he found my email in the church database); he just wanted to check in with me. He said he thought of me out of the blue and started praying for me. He asked what was going on with me. Well, that was precisely the day I was posting Part 3 of Encountering the Divine! I had been dealing with a lot of resistance in the form of self-doubt and fear before publishing. Timing of his email a coincidence? I think not! I answered his email after I completed my post, thanking him for his prayers, which were much needed and came in handy to pull through and complete my entry. Two weeks later, I post Part 4 and emailed him again to let him know. Back to Saturday morning — I made the MD appointment via phone, and pass back out. I woke up around 11am and noticed I received another response from him in my inbox. He had been praying for me that morning and told me not be discouraged; that the type of spiritual attack I had been experiencing was not uncommon. I was aware of the spiritual component as everything unraveled that week, but it’s still quite overwhelming despite knowing the source! When I woke up though, I suddenly noticed my stomach spasms had stopped and I actually felt rested. The previous days I was hardly sleeping at all, I was just tossing and turning all night. The difference of how much better I now felt compared to that before the nap was quite noticeable. So much so I decided to cancel my doctor’s appointment. Within a couple of days I was eating normally again and resuming all of my activities. I needed to share that with you all! Never underestimate the power of prayer!

By the way, I’m not claiming all the negative circumstances that were occurring in my family member’s and acquaintance’s lives were a direct result of my post or the subject material I was writing about. Who but God knows how all the dots are connected? However, I do know the timing in which I received these jabs of bad news; seemingly combining together to deliver all at once a devastating knockout punch, was not a coincidence.  There were unseen evil forces at work there. (Call them demonic or what you will) Whenever you are putting yourself out there for God’s purposes, or merely about to have a breakthrough with something you’ve been struggling with in your life, expect resistance and or perhaps even a counter attack. You could also call it spiritual warfare. Jesus himself foretold that those who follow him will be persecuted.

Not everything was catastrophic that week though —there was a silver lining in the form of an indirect miraculous breakthrough that I wasn’t expecting.  I’m convinced that as a result of me completing that post (which I couldn’t have done without prayer support from others), an invisible stronghold or chain if you will, was broken by God that week.

I spoke to my mother that Sunday and turns out she had bought a car that week. You’re wondering. Yeah. So what’s the big deal? Well, she had been struggling to find one for 7 years!! That subject was a source of contention between her and me for a long time due to our differences of opinion on how to go about paying for a vehicle. (Disclaimer: I had a hard time deciding whether to go more in depth about this or not since it involves details of my mother’s life, but I wouldn’t be giving the necessary context to emphasize how HUGE this was.) That being said, she drove a 92 Cadillac Deville that was past its due date and increasingly required a lot of mechanical repairs.  More so in the last 3 years. Understandably, she needed another car. Fear, indecisiveness and wanting something that was beyond her means had her on a wild goose chase for years. She constantly asked for my advice/help, but in reality, she never actually wanted to hear the answer I repeatedly had to give. That’s because she wanted to buy a new car through financing; and she needed me to be the cosigner. I advised her to buy a used one and pay cash with the savings she had. Her argument for not wanting a used car was that she was tired of dealing with mechanical issues and she didn’t want to touch her savings either. I get it; dealing with car issues is a pain in the rear end. I’ve had my share. However, I did not want to cosign on a car and risk damaging my credit when neither of us could afford the monthly payments. Financially, it didn’t make sense. My mom just couldn’t see that. Sometimes, we get so fixated on having something and develop tunnel vision that it distorts our reality. It becomes an idol if you will. (Whether it’s a material possession, job, or even a person) By the way, my intent is not to criticize my mother— we all make mistakes, it’s happened to me plenty.  As I’ve stated before, I’ve learned that when I’m connected to God and praying for something specific, he either answers (not audibly of course): yes, no, or not right now. Maybe something is meant for you; but you just have to wait for the right timing, which is usually when you’ve let go and are least expecting it (and no longer obsessed in having it).  Like it happened with me in the You can’t always get what you want series.

Early on in the process, I tried helping her search for a used car online, but she always switched her mind about something and frequently axed my suggestions. I constantly had to remain firm and stick to my guns of saying no to financing, since she usually steered the conversation back to that route. She eventually stopped bringing up that option with me after a few years. Her attempts of obtaining a vehicle with the aid of other relatives and friends always fell through also. Her own fear & indecisiveness were her worse enemies; she repeatedly sabotaged purchases. (Hey, I’m her son; I own having that character defect of self-sabotage also.) After a long time, I finally learned to bite my tongue instead of continuing an endless cycle of arguing. Shutting up and listening to her vent was a way of supporting her indirectly. Even though I didn’t agree with her approach, I didn’t want to just come off negative to her all the time. It pained me to hear about her struggle; I really wanted her to find a car and prayed for a solution for years. It finally dawned on me that I had to let go and trust that God would aid her in that quest. It was something she had to do for herself. (Deep down I knew if I had any involvement in the decision and something went wrong with the car, I would have been blamed.)

Well that week that I published my post, she came upon an SUV at some random used car lot — that for the most part, was one of her top vehicle choices throughout the years. (A 2007 Honda Element. She always talked about that or a Nissan Cube). It was within her means — she took a leap of faith, and she paid cash for it.

The irony is that it would have only taken about a third of her savings if she would have found it 4-7 years ago. Present day, the purchase left her with almost nothing. Her savings have slowly eroded over time. My mom no longer works and lives on a fixed income. She often had to dip into her savings to cover her monthly expenses. Based on our conversations, I didn’t think she was making the wisest financial decisions all the time or budgeting correctly. But ultimately, I don’t financially support her, who am I to judge what she does with her money? After all, she generously bought a trip for the both of us to go to Cancun a couple of years ago when we both started realizing there’s no point to having money unless you enjoy it from time to time. It’s hard seeing that security blanket of savings dwindle though, it wasn’t only her fear, mine as well. Honestly, if I lost my job tomorrow, I would only have enough savings to probably survive for like a month; if that.(Luckily I’m debt free though) Much less would I be able to support my mom if she didn’t have her fixed income. Needless to say, financial worry has been a lingering thorn on our side for years. Worrying has been in vain though; thank God, we’ve never gone without. In fact, we are quite blessed with what we do have. It’s a matter of perspective and making the daily choice to live in gratitude (Albeit, not always easy). 

 I’m proud of my mom: this car finally mysteriously appeared when there was just enough savings remaining to cover the cost of the vehicle.  Although it had some minor things that still needed to be fixed, overall the car was in great conditions and had very low mileage on it. She got a heck of a deal in actuality. Her prayer for the specific type of vehicle she wanted was finally answered, but it was in God’s timing. It appeared when she finally really needed another car and when she was willing to let go of the grip on her remaining savings. But boy it was a heck of a trial for both of us, especially for her. We now both have no choice but to have faith that God will continue providing for us, as he always has. (I just wasn’t aware until I started my spiritual journey 8 years ago) Truthfully, it’s easier to trust when there’s a nice stash of cash in the bank as a backup. But when it’s nearly almost gone, that’s when one’s faith is really put to the test. Although scary, it’s also kind of exciting to finally let go and completely surrender to God’s plan of provision for us. I’m actually less anxious now. Ultimately, money comes and goes. As a family we’ve had to learn to be content and grateful for what we have in the present. I think my mother came out a bit more humble of a person through this experience.  She also learned a great deal of patience; and most importantly, became stronger in her faith.

 I was blown away by the news of the purchase of the vehicle to close that difficult week; like I said, it was a silver lining. It was another reminder that no matter how crazy or difficult life may seem to get at times, eventually that moment will pass. Looking back, there’s always something to be learned. Although in the middle of the storm, I’m usually like, get me outta here!!! So needless to say, after that week, I’ve been taking a little break from writing, because damn, those last two posts took the wind out of me.

I needed to lie down…

There’s so much more to tell still—slowly picking myself up and putting on my body armor & sharpening my sword again… (a.k.a.  I’m dusting off my pen/turning my keyboard back on)

These trials were it seemed like everything was coming undone weren’t over quite yet. The sharks in the video below foreshadow my next tale…

To close, this is one of the first videos  I remember from way back when MTV was good. It has a powerful message; different scenarios were people’s lives are slowly unhinging, further exemplified by the woman drowning and bound up in chains. However, we don’t always have to remain in shackles. The video ends with hope…BREAKING FREE.

Who do you need? Who do you love? When you come undone…