Encountering the Divine – Part III (Not today Satan, not today!)

As some of you may know, the latter part of my post title is referencing a ubiquitous catch phrase that surfaced out of a somewhat famous reality TV drag show within the past year. Ok fine, maybe it’s not that well-known, but I just wanted to use the word ubiquitous. Desire satiated. Don’t feel uncultured if you haven’t heard it, I’m late to the party too. (Most dudes, you get a pass) Apparently, people in the know have been saying it for a while now. Honestly, I’ve never seen this show; just some Instagram teaser clips. Does RuPaul ever age? Hey, I hardly watch TV, just some Netflix and Redbox. Although having friends in low places help me keep an ear to the happenings of the pop culture underground. Reality TV I’m unconcerned about for the most part. That’s ok. Drag shows are more entertaining to watch in person either way. (Ha. It’s been a while.) Point being, the word Satan is almost always used in a comical sense in today’s society — but the deeper meaning behind that name is a much more serious matter that we mustn’t turn a blind eye to anymore…

Faithful readers, thank you for your patience! After a 7 month break from this mini-series, part 3 is about to commence! In light of the recent, highly publicized tragic events in the U.S.; I feel it’s important to continue sharing my story. Newbies, welcome! I highly suggest you read Part 1 and Part 2 first before venturing further. Otherwise, I can’t be held responsible for how far astray you will feel. This regardless may happen! hehe. Hopefully you can catch up with me on this journey…

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With the miracle of my father suddenly now being cancer free; I had some breathing room and was able to completely focus on my new life status: unemployment.  My newfound faith in a real God, despite still being small like “a mustard seed” (yep, I’ve picked up some Biblical metaphors; does anyone actually know the size of those? ), was exactly what I needed to have an inexplicable feeling of peace about suddenly being unemployed & vulnerable; that somehow everything was going to be ok. (Not that I felt that way 24 hours a day either, I wish)  I began to see God’s prophetic promise of “providing for all my needs” start unfolding soon after. By this point I had completely been on my own and not receiving financial support from my parents.   I don’t recall exactly how, if through a letter from the state, my former employer, or talking to friends; but I found out that I could apply to receive unemployment benefits. I applied and educated myself on all that process and probably within a month I received my first paycheck. It was only about 40% of the salary I had been making. Ouch! (Which had been around $30,000-$32,000, not much to live the lavish “Miami” lifestyle I fantasized about). Needless to say, I had to make some serious adjustments to my spending habits and my budget; but thankfully I had enough to cover my portion of the rent and living expenses. (No more money for heavy partying). Luckily I was still able to afford the gym (which was within biking distance). Receiving state benefits, I was required to be actively looking for a job, which I proceeded to do. Although that wasn’t an easy task; it was hard motivating myself to do that daily or often without stressing myself out. I had to constantly combat depression and bouts of anxiety that would come & go. Not to mention the economic crisis of 2008 was unfolding; the real estate market in Miami was crashing. Everyone was struggling; jobs were hard to come by. I never in my life had so much free time to think and listen to all the thoughts in my head. (Because who likes to do that day in and day out?) I started to get into a yoga class at my gym around this time; one way of attempting to turn off my brain for an hour at a time at least. (Not always successful) Doing yoga helped me realize that even breathing the right way was also a challenge for me. Let’s not even talk about my flexibility (or my lack thereof).

Needless to say, it was one of the most difficult periods of my life.  I had always kept myself busy; whether work, partying, listening to music, smoking a bowl, cruising online or being at the gym. Some of those activities had intersected often as well. Ever try lifting weights stoned? Ha. Yea. NOT a good idea. Music & weed? Well you’ve read my past posts: yep, those worked of course. I felt I hardly had any friends left; not that I had many to begin with; but I had been withdrawn from my party acquaintances for a while. There were just a couple of other supportive friends besides Lolita and Helen. It was difficult to relay to them the experiences I was going through. During the week, when my roommate or the few other people I knew were busy working —besides doing job searches from my home computer, I would go out and bike to the beach or park to mediate or read something to keep my mind from going spastic. Slowly I realized I needed more connection with others and some kind of community for support. (A foreign concept for me at the time)

Oh boy, I found these pics from my unemployment era. Even during my “connect with the universe” moments I managed to make some time for selfies. 🙂 

Not long after the new-found revelation that God was real and that he loved me — which took my father’s cancer remission miracle to finally assimilate —that my creation wasn’t an utter mistake, that there was some kind of plan for my life; the inner tormentous question as to the why of my “sexuality” reared its ugly head again. For a brief time; for the first time in my life, I finally felt like wow “God does exist; I can’t deny that anymore, he loves me, I guess it’s ok to be gay. With the way he’s revealed himself to me, he’s obviously ok with me being this way” I was on the right track baby, I was born this way. (I digress; that Gaga song was not birthed quite yet.)  And I wasn’t wrong about his love, but that life-long issue wasn’t completely sealed just like that.  I felt like there was still an invisible wedge between God and me on that. That feeling of contentment on that issue didn’t last very long. More questions started stirring underneath. Nothing about the topic of homosexuality had been mentioned in the three months I had been attending the Hispanic church in the Miami ghetto. (Neither by the sermons nor the prophets. Albeit one ambiguous reference during prophecy of God helping me relationally) I had been too perturbed with my father’s situation to really dig deep into this matter. Suddenly, I wanted to know what the church leaders thought, what was the people’s frame of thinking around that matter? Like I said, I really didn’t gel or feel a connection with the people there (not that I really tried either) besides my two friends and my former coworker Miranda. Remember her? She’s the one who had invited me in the first place. I told her about my doubts and concerns. She lent me a book. It was the autobiography of “la Hermana Maria Luisa”, which translates literally into the sister Marie Louise (but not the nun kind of Sister): she founded the church in Colombia many years prior. She was mentioned sometimes during services; she was still alive (probably in her 50s) and traveled throughout the worldwide locations of her church to check on them and/or speak. My friend recommended it to me and said there was an excerpt in that book in which Maria Louise spoke about homosexuality.  “Finally” I thought, “Let’s see what the head of this church has to say on this topic”. Whenever I did get the book from my friend Miranda, I barely read it.

Truth be told, I’m sure it was a very inspiring life story, but the only thing I was interested in finding was that mention of homosexuality. I flipped through that thing like a madman, until I finally found what I was looking for. It wasn’t a section, not even an excerpt, more like a paragraph. It seemed like something that was casually mentioned in passing, as the sister Marie Louise recounted different brief stories of various church members that she had encountered in her life since starting the church. On the lines of what she wrote was “I once met a woman who started attending our church when she was in a lesbian relationship.  She became involved in community, and eventually ended that relationship. After a few years she met another church member, a man, who she fell in love with. Soon after they became married and had children. “That was it……… Yea, it was that simplistic.  My first reaction was like “That’s it? What’s that supposed to mean? What the fuck???”  That’s when the real doubts and questions starting flooding in. The most succinct thought that bulldozed its way through my cranium was “Oh HEEEEELLLLLLLL NOOOO, these people are going to want to change me!!!”

I flipped out and was angry for a couple of days. I had heard of this before, people going to a “Christian” church and all of sudden “the gay was prayed away” or people trying to undergo some conversion therapy. YEA f*cking right, like praying ever worked for me.  “This again Lord? We’ve already been through this……………………..I thought we were good. Why is this topic coming afloat again???????????ARRRGHHH!!!” After my thought tantrum ended I calmed down and realized I was jumping the gun a bit. How could I possibly jump to such a conclusion off of a very vague description of a unique scenario of someone I didn’t know? Basically my interpretation off that slim picking from the autobiography was “She came to the church a lesbian and Jesus made her heterosexual”. In actuality, that’s not what it said at all. Lol. But I wanted more details, dammit! Although part of me wanted to hear “the crazy Christian homosexual miracle conversion account” that you hear about in the media every so once in a while —so I could finally say “AHA!” and find an excuse to jet outta that church. (Despite the difficult yet wonderful spiritual experience I had been undergoing the last few months)

Timing is everything though. I realized that if I had read that particular paragraph in the founder’s autobiography three months earlier, in October of 2007 when I first got back from Europe; I would have turned around and bolted out that church door.  I would have reacted the same way that I did when I read it in January/Feb 2008. However, I think God knew that. That’s why everything happened when it happened. That’s why he allowed those three months of rest from that topic and poured miracles into my life to have a smidgen of faith and trust in him. I received the portion that I needed to not run away from him again this time in my life. That smidgen of faith was enough for me to pause for a second and realize that if God had proven trustworthy in my dad’s  health, providence even in the face of job loss and unemployment, shouldn’t I at least try and trust him to lead me through these difficult and painful lifelong questions concerning my gender and sexuality ? To find out why my romantic relationships always failed? Why I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life? To get to the core of why I felt like such a hot mess?

I found myself feeling overwhelmed again. Could it be true that what the Bible says about homosexuality is true? That’s it’s a sin? And what does even really mean? So far, the recent experiences that had been happening to me had proven everything I read in the Bible true. But even if I was a “sinner” (like everyone else), then why has God jumped through hoops the past few months to show me that he loved me?  He started even years before that; I just had never taken notice. I started receding back into in all too familiar state; the state of feeling all alone in my life, like I was in a small raft lost in the middle of a stormy sea. I love Helen and Lolita, but they were straight, they couldn’t possibly understand me no matter how loving and supportive. I had no straight male friends at the time. My gay male friends couldn’t empathize either with my new found spiritual awakening. The bits and pieces I related to them of what was happening to me within the last few months usually made their eyes start bulging and probably had them thinking I was becoming “religious”, or plain bonkers. The Christians at this church, no way could I talk to them. Who was I gonna call? Alas, Ghostbusters didn’t seem feasible either. However, opportunities to delve further into this topic and receive the answers I had sought for so long would soon come about….

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Just FYI, for historical purposes, the following events all played out sometime within the first few months of 2008. I can’t remember the timing as concisely as what unfolded from Oct-Dec of 07. That being said, circa late Jan/early Feb of the year; I went on a mini road trip to Orlando with Lolita and Helen. We stayed at Lolita’s parent’s house. It was a good distraction besides the daily inner thought battle, job searching, and riding my bike to the waterfront pattern that I had been on. Lolita’s family was Roman Catholic, similar to my upbringing. I had briefly met her parents once before when they visited her for her graduation in Miami a couple of years back, but this was my first time really hanging out with them. She had one younger sibling, Paula. Based on Lolita’s stories of her family, they seemed like a normal, hard-working, middle-class Mexican family that had come from a very modest background. Her father came to the states to provide his future family a better opportunity. There was a particular reason for Lolita to visit her family that weekend; which I can’t recall anymore, but she invited Helen and me to tag along and get out of the city for a bit. I shared one of the guest rooms with one of the girls. I spent some time in the backyard with a sometimes erratic dog that was chained up called Frankie. I know I know, I advocated for the poor dog but he did have a loose screw and would otherwise take off running to the streets. They had a big backyard/terrain which wasn’t completely fenced in all around. They also had a horse in a stable named Payaso (which means clown). He sure was a cranky one because he didn’t like me (c’mon, all animals love me), he supposedly hated all males and didn’t let anyone mount him besides Lolita’s father, Don Eugenio. He finally warmed up enough to me to let me pet his face by the end of the weekend. He always gave me the stank eye though. At that point I hadn’t taken any horseback riding lessons nor had been around a horse in years — so I wasn’t about to tread close enough to get rear kicked or something when I was inside his stable.

They lived in a town on the outskirts of Orlando which consisted mainly of farmland. There wasn’t much to do that weekend besides go to the mall or go eat out. I recall that we went to a Bennigans! They were nearly extinct at that point. Overall, it was a nice distraction to get out of Miami for a bit and clear my head. It was a 2 day stay. Nothing super eventful, well there was one thing…

Sometimes the girls would have their girl time and go to a room and chat and what not. I also discovered they were doing some praying. Some situation was going on with Lolita’s family. Turns out I was also one of the topics of prayer. I stayed outside or hung out with Don Eugenio the times the girls were doing their thing. So Paula, Lolita’s sister, I had heard about in stories from Lolita throughout the years being her roommate. I knew she was “gifted spiritually” and was involved in her local Catholic church but always struggled to fit in. Apparently, she had been kicked out of more than one Catholic church as a teenager because of these giftings. I had met her in person once, years earlier in Miami, where I recall over dinner she described me like a cactus: “prickly on the outside, but sweet and tender on the inside”, after only a few minutes of talking to me. The audacity! ha.  I wasn’t quite sure how to take that at the time. (Apparently I couldn’t feign my good nature from some people despite my pretentious and at times condescending disposition/facade). On another occasion I spoke to her over the phone (maybe like 4 years earlier). I wasn’t sure what I was going through at the time that Lolita suggested that I call her. At that point in time whatever she told me was precisely something I needed to hear at a crucial moment and it affected me at a deeper heart level. Very odd considering she barely knew me. Basically, much like Helen, I considered her a bit psychic; that’s the best way I could describe her at the time.

I had been witnessing Helen & Lolita’s growth spiritually since our venture into church together for the past 4 months. Remember, whatever particular prophecies that were spoken to them in the past three months where coming true at the same time my spiritual journey was unfolding. They just seemed happier, freer, or just more pressed to continue growing in their faith. They would start singing along during the worship service (I rarely did), pray openly around me sometimes, or just talk more in general about spiritual matters.

I was more like, ok, this is already beyond my comfort zone and God has me going at my pace. Despite this, I couldn’t help but notice that weekend in Orlando, I was growing a bit intimidated and annoyed at times being around these 3 “power puff spiritual guru” girls. It’s almost as if they were becoming too “spiritual” for me, even though we had started our journeys at the same time.  Although, that isn’t entirely accurate either. They had their own unique life stories and experiences before crossing paths with me and attending that church.  We didn’t necessarily “awaken” at the same “level” per say. I felt they were more advanced, if that makes any sense. More in tune with God than I was. Consciously, I knew they weren’t faking what they were feeling and experiencing; they just exuded their spirituality in everything they did seemingly all the time. I had already somewhat come down off the spiritual high of the first three months. Perhaps I was somewhat jealous they still had that. Like I mentioned, at the time, I was feeling frustrated and kind of over all the life changes within the past 4 to 5 months and over my inability to turn off my brain —which spent its energy contemplating on the same issues: being single, my sexuality, unemployment, and my cluelessness of how to gain any sense of direction about the future. I tried to remain somewhat present, listening but at times avoiding spiritual discussions whether they were at the house or driving around. I’ve always been a bit of a radio control freak, meaning if I’m in your car I’ll take over that dial or insert my mp3 player into it. After all, I have impeccable music tastes, and if you didn’t think so, I’d prove it to you by shoving my music in your face whenever the opportunity arose. (Not that I do that anymore…I await the invite. wink wink) So 80s, indie, and Spanish sing-a-longs were in order for the times we were driving around the quiet small towns that enveloped the outskirts of central Florida.

Sounds silly, but for moments, I’d daydream and wish my life was still like it had been before the whole experience in Europe with my dad … despite the fact I was uncomfortably numb & miserable in that life. At least it was familiar. The time to pretend was over though. No matter how many times this MGMT song played on my mp3 player. =)

The lyrics  (& visuals) of this song always reminded me of my recent yet seemingly now defunct reckless youth.

I can’t recall if it was Saturday or Sunday, but I was standing outside the front of the house hanging out with another family dog (this one was well-behaved & off leash); just consuming oxygen and lost in my thoughts.Kinda like taking a cigarette break without a cigarette. (I bum one in social settings here and there but was never really a smoker. At least not of the nicotine persuasion, hehe) So Helen walks out as I’m gazing out to the afternoon sky and initiates a conversation with me. Mind you, 95% of our conversations are just silliness but the Jesus girl trio that weekend had me a bit anxious of what would be said that was relevant to me. Cuz in my head, you know, it was all about me. It wasn’t, I was a just bit paranoid and considered that I had already received all the prophetic messages that I could handle in the past few months. BUT, there was another part of me that longed to hear more from God through whichever method. Cue Real Life’s Send Me an Angel #rightnow. ♪ Remember, besides through the prophets at that church, I had already experienced in my life God using Paula or (mainly) Helen to give me a message.

When the Holy Spirit would tell me something through Helen, it was in the form of a normal conversation. She was from South America; she had a bit of a thick accent and was difficult to understand at times when speaking in English. (Although we’d usually speak in Spanish)  It wasn’t anything weird, she wouldn’t like shut down, her eyes roll to the back of her head and say in a robotic voice “now transmitting message from the Maker of the Universe”. No, it’s not like that. As I’ve described before, it’s just something specifically said that hits straight home in the heart that gives you the feels. God can use anyone really. We’ve all experienced it .Like when your heart gets stirred or fluttered when you hear something that you didn’t even realize your soul needed. That’s how God usually speaks to me. The other person may not even realize the impact of what they’re saying. What she said next I know she was fully aware of:

Helen: “You know earlier I was alone and praying for you in my room”

Me: I started feeling uncomfortable and in my head I was like “thanks, I’m ok though, don’t need any prayer right now. Umm… oh boy, where is this going…”

Helen:  “I heard a sinister voice in my head that interrupted me while I prayed— it was the devil taunting me. He told me STOP! STOP! STOP praying for him. It’s pointless. Stupid Ricardo, he’ll be mine again. You’ll see.”

I felt my blood pressure drop and a chill go down my spine.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure you’ve read the first two posts of this series and know by now – hearing things of this nature were not  unfamiliar to me. This was coming from a girl I had known for a couple of years that claimed that at times she could see people walking on the streets with demons swarming around their head, tormenting their thoughts. She couldn’t turn that ability off/on with the snap of a finger. It was her burden. (Ever seen the video of MGMT “Kids”?  That’s how I picture her reality at times. There were also seasons in her life where God took away her ability to see into the spiritual realm.

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Personally, I remember being a child and seeing a car pull up next to my parents and me at a stoplight. I was probably in the back of the car. I glanced over to the side and the driver turned and gave me a look that to this day the memory has remained imprinted. He didn’t have the face of a human being; it was a demon with the appearance of a clown, snarling at me with his fangs. (I guess similar to the one from IT. I don’t even remember watching that movie as a child.) It wasn’t a person in disguise either. I’m pretty sure only I saw him that way, my parents probably just saw a regular guy if they even looked over. I was a kid, maybe 6 to 9 years old. So I wasn’t hallucinating on something and I wasn’t dreaming either; I was wide awake. I used to be terrified of clowns, at some other point in my childhood I remember hiding behind the seat of my parent’s car during my own birthday party, because I found out a clown was coming. Subsequently, the party was cancelled because I wouldn’t come out no matter how many times my parents reassured me he wouldn’t show up anymore. Yeah that bad; don’t mind them too much now.   In my experience & through the people I’ve encountered in my life, I’ve come to believe that children and adults of old age near passing are more in tune with seeing the spiritual realm. That sight fades as we transition out of childhood and lose our innocence. Our hearts get hardened and we become blinded by the distractions & realities of this harsh world. There’s both beauty and darkness to see in the spiritual realm. As far as evil goes, I believe demons sometimes manifest or shape shift themselves in the forms of our fears. Hence what I saw.

For example, people who claim to have encountered or been abducted by aliens? I don’t think they’re all necessarily nuts. I think some do legitimately believe to see what they say, but I don’t think they’re really “aliens”. In the ensuing years, in my day-to-day life, I’ve met people across the spectrum regarding spiritual matters such as a woman who had tragic premonitions that came to pass and a child that had an invisible friend that looked like a skeleton (his parents didn’t believe him). Around 2010, I befriended a client for a period of time at my job; she was a single mom with two children suffering from several mental and physical disabilities. Over time, I’d come to find out that she would be attacked by a demonic entity at night in her home (she had claw marks & fractured arm to prove. That’s a whole other blog post) Point being, you can’t just write everyone off as having mental illness; these things happen around us all the time. Most of us are too scared to talk about it or easily dismiss subtle things that happen to us as a figment of our imagination….But I think the majority of people are completely blind to it. What or who is keeping us blinded?

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At this point, I had figured out that Helen possessed the gift of prophecy, amongst others I couldn’t comprehend. She gradually had opened up and talked about it also. I was equally intrigued as I was perplexed. Earlier in this series I described how I had seen her “psychic” abilities in the two years prior of knowing her, way before we started going to church. She just didn’t always know how to channel or transmit her giftings to the world. Besides direct conversations, she would use tarot cards to make her giftings “presentable” to others when I first met her. To my understanding, once she started attending church God convicted her that method was wrong and that it distorted his messages. There are various references in the bible of God opposing sorcery, witchcraft, psychics, fortune tellers, etc. That’s a whole other DEEP topic that I won’t get into at this time. (Cause what I’m discussing now is light subject matter right?ha) My knowledge is limited with regards to sorcery/witchcraft/black magic and things of that nature for the most part either way. Luckily, even then in my spiritual “baby” stage, I  never did trust what was spoken to me as a matter of fact to be a “message from God”  — just because it was my friend Helen telling me. I always prayed for discernment and clarity. Even present day, I always ask God for a second confirmation from another source. Eventually time would tell whether what she would tell me was true or not. It’s not like everything spoken to me stuck in my brain either. Majority didn’t. Things I needed to remember — I have. What I gathered was that she was undergoing a new phase of her spiritual journey and God was showing her how to utilize her giftings appropriately and fine tune her “radar” to him. That’s what he desires with all of us. My modem was nowhere near reception like hers.

As I’d soon find out, she wouldn’t be the only person in my life that could see into the spiritual realm… Her intent wasn’t to scare me (although well, that failed) but to encourage me that God was breaking invisible chains that had held me captive for my entire lifetime. It was similar to what God had been telling me at church for the last few months. I’d never felt so personally threatened like I did through what Helen told me in that moment. Not by her, but by this invisible enemy that was taunting my friend as she prayed for me. I absolutely believed what she told me. It was the same enemy that God had been warning me about and that I was becoming aware of; remember the incidents I talked about in part 2? Was this invisible enemy really responsible for the darkness and torment I lived under for the first 26 years for my life?

Keyser Soze from the Usual Suspects:

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was convincing the world he didn’t exist”

Damn, I no longer had doubt at this point in my life that God existed, but the devil/Satan? I definitely had rejected a lot of “religious” terminology due to my Catholic upbringing, so I got stuck on my negative attachments to certain words like God, Satan or sin.  Ever read Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now”? There’s an interesting excerpt called Look Beyond the Words.

Even though I read his book several years later, it helped me disassociate any past interpretations of certain words to not lose sight of the deeper meaning behind them. For example, he talks about using “insanity” or “chaos” in substitute of “sin”. (I like transgression too) Or saying “universe” instead of “God.” In this case, perhaps it’ll help you to say “darkness” instead of “devil/Satan”? Or Sauron for my fellow LOTR fans? Even you, Potterheads: “He who must not be named. Really? Just name him damn it, “Voldemort!!” Lol. Joking aside, keep in mind, whatever terms you decide to use, the underlying point is that Satan is no fictional character.

Up to that time, I had been studying the bible for a few months, Satan was mentioned many a times and described in different ways: as a deceiver, father of lies, dragon, ancient serpent, ruler of this world. (No horns, red suit, and pitchfork verse found yet though). Basically, not a nice guy.

See for yourself, here are a few verses I pulled from different Bible versions:

2 Corinthians 4:4 – Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

2 Corinthians 11:14 And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.

Job 1:7 The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.”

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Jesus’ words:

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

What I was struggling with in my mind for some time after that conversation with Helen and road trip to Orlando, was the concept that I had been captive; that I had been some kind of puppet, or slave. That the devil had claimed former ownership of me and that he was devising to bring me back under his “control” somehow. That angered me. I never even fully believed that he even existed, much less ever claimed my allegiance. I never did some Satanic ritual or even mess with a Ouija board. You know, I didn’t mess with whatever Hollywood concoction of how one would attempt to communicate with evil. On the contrary, I try avoiding horror movies because they give me nightmares. (Damn you Jaws for ruining my childhood REM cycles!)However, no question evil and darkness permeated my surroundings throughout my life. I just really never gave it a name or attributed it to some being: like Satan, Lucifer, the devil or demons in general.

See the world around us now: wars, mass shootings, growing paranoia/hatred of strangers and their differing beliefs, increasing apathy to suffering around us, social/relational skills steadily declining due to mounting technology controlling our lives, everyone’s on the defensive and easily offended by everything— to sum it up: FEAR is taking root and slowly rising amongst people. There’s an invisible force pitting humans against one another, manipulating us through the negative thoughts in our head; lying in wait, hidden in the darkness that resides in all of us. Because we all have light and darkness in us. It’s a matter of which side we decide to feed that dictates our actions in this world. The Bible says Satan is who is controlling this world. In order to fight a battle, you have to know who your enemy is to begin with. You have to name him and know how he attacks. But if he’s unseen, does this mean we’re all screwed? So is there hope? Where’s God in all of this?

My head was spinning. I didn’t know who the hell I was anymore. It felt like I had no clear identity. The gay label didn’t fit me, I had no clue what direction my life was going, and then tack on this realization that there was an invisible realm surrounding and affecting my life; that there was a devil and that he was on a quest to destroy me. Fear started besieging me again but I became reassured by what happened next…

Turns out, God wasn’t done revealing himself to me yet and helping me dig deeper into a name that had been tugging at my soul for the past few months: Jesus.

Take a breather (I need one too) and join me in 2 weeks for exhilarating part four of Encountering the Divine…..

(appropriate song from 2008)

As a child, I knew
That the stars could only get brighter
And we would get closer
Get closer, mmm

As a child, I knew
That the stars could only get brighter
That we would get closer
Leaving this darkness behind

P.S.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work… when you go to church… when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.