Learning to be ok with the blues, even “When Doves Cry”

Hello readers, it’s been a while! Hope it’s been going swell for you! Lots to catch up on since my last post! Well considering I’ve just been recounting anecdotes from the past, I still have 9 years to catch up on. lol. I’m switching it up a bit and addressing the present. I’ve been thinking a lot about getting started on part 3 of my Encountering the Divine series but just can’t find the inspiration nor make the time. So I’m just spewing out whatever I have bouncing around in my head. (While trying to avoid being a perfectionist with grammar and making a million re-edits.) I’m going to roll with it; currently still retraining my brain to process my negative emotions in a positive/healthy manner. Let’s see, what’s happening in the world. I try not to pay too much attention, tragedies on the news all the time and well Trump/Sanders/Clinton hysteria. Yea, not in the mood for that right now in my life. Well, here in my neck of the woods it’s rained quite a bit. In fact, if it hasn’t been raining it’s been cloudy for the most part the last couple of weeks. And it’s starting to get to me.  Usually I’m indoors all day for work, even the days there has been a little bit of sunlight; by the time I get out the sun is almost starting to set. I need Vitamin D dang it!

Well apparently, I am abreast of what’s happening in the entertainment world. Let’s see, Prince tragically died a month ago. I didn’t consider myself a big fan but I appreciated his artistry and musical talent. Plus his facial expressions made great memes. (As evidenced in my past posts) He was way before my time but I remember discovering his music along with all 80s music in the late 90s. Apparently I was MIA in the 80s (or just busy being a child living in Mexico). Hey, I knew MJ and MC Hammer. But even then who doesn’t know Prince’s classics that are always on rotation? 1999, When Doves Cry, Little Red Corvette, Kiss. (Unless you’re under 25, then maybe you get a pass) Or who doesn’t remember the skit from the  Chapelle Show? Game. Blouses. Only after he died did I find out he wrote for female artists a bunch of songs that I like also: Nothing Compares 2 U, Manic Monday, When You Were Mine, etc. Anyhow, I’ve had “Nothing Compares 2 U” stuck in my head for the past two days ever since seeing Madonna’s atrocious Billboard Awards tribute rendition of it. (Ugh, I shouldn’t even be watching or listening to that woman, she’s a negative influence and trigger for my addiction. (More on that later). Luckily, the song has been replaying in my head with Sinead’s voice. Still the song is depressing, but fits my mood. Given that my work week has been dragging these last couple of days and that it’s been cloudy needless to say “nothing can take away these blueeeesss.”

So I decided to write instead of zoning out to the TV after work. I haven’t been motivated to work out of late either- especially since I’ve been recovering from chigger bites. Yep that’s my lame excuse. No idea what chiggers are? Neither did I and I’ve been living in central Texas for 7 years! Nasty little insects. A good friend of mine got married two weeks ago out in the Texas country (full of tall scrub and grass and vegetation of all sorts). Beautiful landscape, kind of hot, and well full of chiggers apparently. It was not very smart of me to not follow designated paths and create shortcuts by cutting through meadows with tall grass. Surely, that’s where the little buggers got me. They burrow into your skin and you don’t even notice until the crazy itching begins. I have rashes and welts over my ankles and legs. Anyhow, I‘m just ranting.

This too shall pass. It’s funny how fickle human emotions are. Just a couple of weeks ago I was in good spirits, full of hope, feeling the positive winds of change in my life. (Cue the Scorpions) Now I’m kind of just blah. It’s as if God went silent. Hard to describe. Haven’t really had an inkling or sense of what next step to take in my life. I’m presently looking for another job, I’ve been greatly blessed to work where I am but for a while I’ve felt like I’ve learned everything I could. I’m ready for a new challenge and to evolve as a professional. Hard thing is not knowing what you really want to do. I have a long-term vision but the light bulb for the next immediate step towards that hasn’t quite completely lit up yet. I‘ve been waiting for some time now for that, however; not so patiently and with the enjoyment of the present moment as I’d like. Like a surprisingly-at-times-wise friend said:

“Maybe right now God doesn’t want you focusing on what to do, but instead focus on what you shouldn’t be doing ”

Ouch! That hit home especially pertaining to my addiction recovery. There’s just days I have no f**ks to give. (A.k.a. There are days I don’t feel like putting up a fight.) Or like a meme I once saw that made me chuckle: “Some people wrestle with their demons, I like to snuggle with them.” Ah yes, true dat sometimes.  I’m still on a journey as far as my recovery from sex addiction goes. Boy do I have some crazy stories from the past 6 months. There’s definitely been some healing and progress. However it’s come with hard work and several relapses. It’s like two steps forward, one step back. (Didn’t Peter Griffin from Family Guy dance to a 80s song that went something like that? With Paula Abdul? Cuz he dressed like a Cat.ha)

Let’s see what else. I’m also at a current impasse with a close relative; our relationship is a bit strenuous at times. Family you know, they are hard to love sometimes. A good friend of mine’s sister just discovered she has uterine cancer. She’s only in her mid 20s. A coworker’s brother is only in his early 50s and is dying of lung cancer. Remember I mentioned I also work at a cancer clinic? Unfortunately, suffering is just an unavoidable part of life. It isn’t just me dealing with issues. And when I get my head out of the sand and see what’s happening around me I learn to be a bit more grateful and attempt to change my perspective on things. The reality is that my life isn’t that bad compared to situations that other people that I love are going through. I’m very fortunate to have my health, a good job, a roof over my head, good friends. I can just try to support others as best as I can and pray for them as well. Even though sometimes it feels like a waste of time or that my prayers aren’t even heard. However, prayer has a powerful effect in the spiritual realm that surrounds us. I mustn’t forget the moments of my past where its effects were visibly tangible. It’s just hard when there are spells where it seems nothing gets answered, whether it is for myself or others. Our spiritual journey is like waves, it has its crests and troughs. Just because I feel nothing is happening, doesn’t mean God isn’t at work.

Again, it’s a matter of perspective; not all is darkness and clouds, like I mentioned: a good buddy got married to a great woman he’s been dating for years. I had one of my best friends visit me for a couple of weeks and we did a lot of fun, social stuff. She helped me revamp my place and make it look less like a bachelor pad. Apparently I was in need of some new pans; a lamp because lighting in my living room space sucked, a trash can with a working lid, a container to put my rolled oats in. (Last one was questionable). You know, small stuff us guys sometimes overlook. I already knew I needed a rug and ottoman but I had procrastinated on that forever. Nope, she made sure I took action on that before she left. It’s good to have a lady around to fine tune those details (Thanks babe!). Not to mention it got me thinking a lot again of what life would look like living with someone (like a spouse). Living alone for the past seven years I’ve gotten kind of set in my disorganized ways. So it was a bit of an adjustment having someone stay with me for over 2 weeks. Overall, there was definitely way more positives than negatives ; I couldn’t be more satisfied with the company I had.

I‘ve also been blessed with the opportunity to go see lots of live music of late. I went to go see Chvrches, a good indie electronic pop band and also went out dancing a couple of nights. (Including one 80s night complete with video screens all over the club. Every 3^rd or fourth song was Prince! Epic!) I classed it up on another occasion and was invited to the Austin Symphony. I also saw Florence and the Machine last week! Hearing her sing live was quite the experience! She has an amazing voice and a big heart. I was already a fan of her music (although I just knew like 6, 7 of her songs) before going to the concert. I was very impressed with her charisma and audience interaction. Not only that, turns out the next day she went to go see one of our cancer teens, who unfortunately is now in hospice care. Florence surprised her and sang her a few songs at her bedside; since the teenager was too ill to make it to the concert on the previous night. The story went viral and is now all over national news. I’m definitely more of a fan now and have greater respect for her. I already admired some of the raw lyrics and message of hope in her music.

Thank you Florence for reminding me, that I’m not building a ship (my life) to wreck it.

Tis some footage of mine.

It’s inspiring to me to see a public figure taking the time from a busy tour schedule to go out of her way to show a stranger an act of kindness; she gave that young girl joy when it seemed all her hope was gone. We all can have that effect on others. You don’t have to be a singer or celebrity. In fact, that’s how God uses us all. He doesn’t have to, but for some unbeknownst reason, he works that way. We are all conduits of his love, if we are just present enough to take a minute to silence life’s daily noise; listen, and follow through to the moments our heart get tugged towards doing an act of kindness for another person. It could be as simple as listening to someone. I know I always don’t, especially when I’m drowning in my own glass of water. That’s why it’s healthy to talk to positive people in your life to vent, or in my case tonight; write.

It’s when I suppress or try to sweep my negative emotions underneath the rug that darkness slowly and subtly trickles in and takes over. It’s so hard to remember this during difficult moments; emotions are fleeting, as humans can fluctuate often. Often emotions, don’t correspond with reality. They will pass.

Eventually, they must be acknowledged and processed. One can’t run forever or stuff them with addictions. That’s one lesson I’m trying to engrain into my being during this maturation process called life. Ughh, this whole being an adult business is really hard for me at times. Am I alone? Ok, one day at a time. Tomorrow is always a new day. I already feel better =) How’s your week going?

I discovered this song below on the radio shortly after Prince died. (Ok, so apparently now I’m a fan) He wrote it for a singer named Martika. He has his own recorded version but I’ll post hers since all his videos don’t last long on YouTube.

It’s kind of early 90s cheesy but the lyrics are powerful and ring true to my life at the moment. I change up one word when I sing it. =)

” Lord thy will be Done. I can no longer hide, I can no longer run. No longer can I resist the guiding light,  that gives me the power to keep the fight.  Lord ..thy will be Done. Since I have found you, my life has just begun”