I took a pill in Ibiza… and it almost killed me. (Part 1)

Ok fine, it was more than one. And it wasn’t in Ibiza. (Sounds more glamorous though doesn’t it?) It was in Miami.

(I did have the good fortune  to travel to Spain once and go clubbing in a couple of cities; but I didn’t make it all the way to Ibiza. Timing wasn’t quite right, being that I was 18 and traveling with my dad and all) It’s still on the bucket list though. However, you may recognize that part of the title of my post is a current electronic song that all the young millennial club kids are listening to. Or so I think. At least 150 million of them on Spotify are. It’s a song that’s been stuck in my head on and off for a bit. Catchy little beat, especially that weird little horn. Admittingly sounds a little electronic Justin Bieberish. I discovered the song online a few weeks back and then heard it on the radio the other day. (Radio? Yea I know, don’t judge, my mp3 player died a couple of months ago; otherwise, I’m blissfully unaware of what’s on the public airwaves) I usually automatically shun songs in my head being the Austin music snob that I am. Cuz you know once it hits the radio, it’s mainstream and no longer underground/indie. But since I’m not a musician or a hipster(although people keep trying to pigeonhole me in that; “hipster ethnic” to be precise, apparently I can’t own one plaid shirt.lol), I will still acknowledge that a mainstream song can be good and enjoyable. That’s right, sign of maturity , boom! “ Sorry” Bieber, haven’t warmed up to your music quite yet.

For those of you that have been following my blog, you’re probably thinking “yes you’ve talked about it, you clubbed and got high; ain’t the first and ain’t the last.” Nor do I have the craziest stories either, trust me; I find mine tame in comparison to some of the people I’ve met. (Although it’s not a competition) Many of us have our party stories and done our fair share of debauchery.  Nothing to be proud of, but I’m not going to deny it happened either. On the contrary, I’d like to think relating my experiences can be used for the benefit of others.  The particular incidents I’m about to recall, have a purpose: I’ve been wanting to share them for a while. Amongst them;  me overdosing and the closest in my life that I’ve felt to death. And how it was one of the first times that  I realized the universe was looking out for me despite my proclivity to continue down a path of self-destruction. Plus I need a respite from my Encountering The Divine  series; which hasn’t been easy to write, I’ve poured a lot of my heart into it. It takes a lot out of me emotionally and spiritually given the subject matter. Maybe that’s just the passionate artist in me that I’m starting to discover. Although this post is kind of correlated, since it concerns my life and events leading up to my “spiritual awakening”. Funny how the experiences throughout one’s lifetime are all somehow tied together if you stop and connect the dots. Plus, I also have an excuse to talk about one of the things I love the most, music! Get ready to bop your head along.

Back to the “I took a pill in Ibiza song (Seeb remix)” , some of the lyrics speak to how I felt in my 20s: getting high to try to be cool and fit in, pretending to be a big baller, knowing all the sad songs, feeling alone and disconnected and never able to completely open up or trust anyone.  Seemingly living without a real purpose. Check out an excerpt.

 

I have a feeling Mike Polsner and I aren’t the only ones that feel or have felt that way in life. I had several close encounters in my party years; and not of the third kind, but of the police kind. Drinking and getting high lead to my friends and I doing a bunch of stupid shit.  Twice, we got pulled over by cops while partying in Mexico. (Well, I recall two times at least, could have been more… oops) I was too high on shrooms to remember how we managed for the cops to let us go the first time. My friends luckily handled that one by probably paying them off. Second time(circa 2003-2004) I remember visiting home during Christmas break from college in Florida, and three close friends and I were enjoying a doobie in my not so inconspicuous 1957 Ford Fairlane. Three guys and one girl. Oh here, check it out.

It had the windows tinted. 1^st mistake. We were parked in a neighborhood street not far from my parent’s house under a street light/wooden post. 2^nd mistake. I guess I figured the more obvious that we were there the less likely we would be suspected of doing anything shady. Alas, stoner logic. Of course, not too long after being parked there, a cop car passed by. We were on a corner of this strange fork; so when the cop passed far enough out of distance I panicked and just drove into one of the streets. Well, turns out that street was a dead end. The cop car wound up making a U-turn. I had a feeling it would which is why I took off in the first place. They probably thought, well that’s a car you don’t see everyday. 2 minutes later, it calmly drove up to us now being stuck at the end of a dead end street. Invisible we were not. Umm yea, awkward. Needless to say, our hide the drugs reaction skills were lackluster. My friend Juan just threw the bag of pot under the back seat. Really? The officers found that one quickly. Unbeknownst to me, our girlfriend was also carrying a bag of coke which she was smart enough to put in her bra. My two guy friends and I were pinned down against my car and individually frisked. (Don’t remember if we were actually cuffed.) I was freaking out because we all had out of state licenses which made the situation even weirder for the cops. It was two of them, they kept speaking on their radio as if they were calling for more backup. Truthfully, I was shaking in my boots.(Plus it was cold outside) We were ALL from out of town visiting our families for the winter break; my friend Arturo from San Antonio, my friend Juan from Colorado and my friend Lola was visiting Juarez from Florida for the first time. I was thinking “she’s not even from these parts, I can’t have her going to a Mexican jail.” The cops kept her in the back seat and interrogated her while she played the dumb blonde not knowing that we were carrying pot or what we were smoking. She played the innocent and naive role quite well. That’s my girl! Hehe. One of my friend’s dads was a former police chief, the other a lawyer for the police , and my dad also had police contacts. Basically our dads probably had the influence to help us out of this sticky situation, but the ironic thing was that we couldn’t even use our leverage. Not one of us wanted to speak up and shame our family names. Lol. At least that was in my train of thought.(I had already dragged my dad into a stupid car accident fiasco involving cops years earlier. Basically my friends and I crashed into and almost knocked down a telephone pole. We knocked out the neighborhood’s electricity. I wasn’t driving btw, although it was my classic car. I made the mistake of letting a female friend drive it: never again. Lol.Those were the teen years)

My two other guy friends tried to play it cool and didn’t say much. I tried reasoning with the cops and imploring to them “ what kind of Christmas gift would it be for our families if we were here visiting and end up going to jail?” Yea, my friends still give me grief to this day when we recall that story due to my seemingly poor and pathetic attempts of evoking sympathy. Hey, the struggle was real. The cops were stern with their interrogations and kept calling for backup. I had been dropping hints or waiting for a prompting from the cops to see if they’d accept “ a pay off”. Yep, that’s how things roll in Mexico. To further my frustration, they wouldn’t budge or take any bait. I thought for sure my college life away in Miami was over and that I’d be sent back home. But “luck” or something else seemed to be on our side that night.

I felt like I was in an episode of COPS, hoping nobody was filming from the homes next to us. (Luckily smart phones weren’t around yet.) Lights came on from the windows, so surely neighbors were observing the saga unfold. For what seemed like an eternity, at least half an hour, the Mexican cops played the tough guys and kept telling us we were going to be taken to the slammer; I mean they had to( they could tell that the neighbors were watching their every move). However, in a weird turn of fortunate events, they told us to get back in the car and drive back to the original area where they had first spotted us.(Under that lamp post). Back at the “crime scene”, where it was a bit darker and there were no onlookers, they demanded money to let us go. I was thinking “Really? You kept us in suspense and this charade going for freaking half an hour? This could have been solved long ago”. We all slowly and maturely forked over everything we had until our donations were pleasing to them. For the record, I wound up having the most cash on me and consequently having to dish out the most . Of course.( I remember these things, I’m stingy lol) As if the plot hadn’t taken a crazy twist already; after all that mess and instilling of fear into our souls the cops said “ you know, next time, you should really just go smoke at a friend’s house and stay there. Don’t be driving around.” With that being said, through the window, he gave me back the confiscated bag of pot. Whaaaaaa? Yep! Great way to teach us a lesson right? Oh yeaaa, we got the lesson alright! We took the irresponsible yet welcomed advice and of course we went to a friend’s backyard to smoke some more. In my warped frame of thinking at the time: What better than having cops as enablers too?

Imagine if that would have happened in the states? No way I would have saved my ass from jail and having a record now. A misdemeanor on your record has future implications for a lot of things: like getting loans, family rights, or landing a job. It can limit you in many ways for a long time. On another occasion , a friend and I almost got caught smoking weed in my car while parked in the street in Miami. When we saw a cop car drive by we immediately ducked. With my head still low, I peeked through the side view mirror and noticed that the cop was making a U turn quite a ways down the street. Deja Vu all over again! Had he really seen us ? Who knows, but I was blazed and paranoid and not taking any chances so I bolted the opposite way. Luckily I wasn’t on a dead end street this time.

I’ve mentioned before driving back home drunk/high numerous times in the wee hours of the morning, and falling asleep at the wheel, but somehow suddenly waking up out of nowhere;  allowing me to swerve before hitting another car or the highway median . I could write a book of more of these ridiculous situations that I seemed to get myself into. Sometimes it was completely my fault or due to the influence of the people that I hung out with; regardless, trouble always seemed to find me. It’s like I had a hex on me for a long period in my life. Even back in my late teens when I was a scrawny, nerdy, innocent preppy kid! The least likely of my crew to get into mischief.  No, seriously. When I  lived in Mexico, these were some other incidents that occurred:

-Getting taken to jail after getting pulled into a scuffle I had no role in outside a club. I happened to be standing at the wrong place at the wrong time( I was a minor that had gotten in with a fake ID). Let’s just say Mexican holding cells were not pleasant for a 16 year old, neither were the characters in there. Luckily, I wasn’t there long.

-A stranger turning me around in the middle of the dance floor out of nowhere and punching me in the face before I had time to react because he confused me with someone else (So  I assumed,  I never knew exactly why because pandemonium broke out right after and I didn’t even really see his face),

– I was at a taco stand with friends in the wee hours of the morning when some random drunk guy started swinging a lead pipe at everybody as everyone took off running,( Out of all of my friends scattering about, guess who he managed to connect a blow in the leg to? lol)

-A drunk friend drove his F150 into a parked vehicle( without braking ) with me and a girlfriend as passengers. Like at 40 mph.That was lovely.

– Circa 2001-2002 I came back home in my Batmobile around 2-2:30am  after a night of partying. Not even 5 minutes later, already in my room, I heard several popping sounds outside. They got really loud then seemed to fade. I thought a light pole transformer had blown up down the street or something. I peeked out the window and several minutes later the neighbors where coming out of their homes and walking down the street. I followed suit. Turns out an SUV was chasing another car down the street firing shots at it. (The street right in front of my house) At the end of the street (where I had come in through) there was a T, you could only turn left or right. The person in the car that was being chased, noticed that at this dead end, there was a man sitting outside his home on the patio. (Probably smoking a cigarette, who knows) He thought quickly and assumed it was open, got out of his vehicle, and ran into the house and escaped from the back. The hitmen shot & killed the innocent homeowner that was just a bystander. If I would have come home 5 minutes later, I would have been caught in the crossfire. This was even before the drug cartel war got bad in Juarez.

–   Countless drunken pass out incidents throughout the course of at least 11 years that I won’t get into. I have to maintain some dignity. lol. (There’s many I can’t remember obviously). But you get the point..

I look back and just see all  of these situations with potentially dire consequences and can’t say it was  just ‘luck ‘ one time after the other. I see now, not then, that there was definitely a higher power looking out for me, which I now call God.

I wasn’t just caught by cops doing drugs; once a friend and I did a quick bump of coke in my car at a stoplight in South Beach. She had a special coke holder/bullet snorter.(Using a key is for amateurs I guess, lol)  It was a darker neighborhood, near this shady park after 2 in the morning. Out of nowhere, this dude walks right in front of the car and startles us as we look back up after a quick second. He just smiled and gave us a thumbs up. My friend and I yelled out in excitement and laughed our asses off. When I wasn’t clubbing, my normal and chiller cup of tea was smoking weed at home or in my Tiburon and going for a cruise and listening to some electronic tunes. (Global Underground compilations, F.A.B.R.I.C. series, BBC’s Essential mixes, extended DJ sets, my own music mixes on CD’s , etc) My ride felt like a space ship. Something about the risk of doing illicit activities with the potential of being caught provided an adrenaline rush. Much like legal or illegal addictions do for people also. They’re fun and exciting for a while, until they turn on you and control your entire being. Or you get caught. But small, continual little blips on the radar didn’t sway me from veering off the path to self-destruction. I remained unaware. A near brush with death finally got me thinking though…

It was either 2003 or 2004, I had already been dabbling in drugs since 2001; mainly pot and cocaine. In 2003 I fell enamored with ecstasy. “Something about those little pills unreal, the thrills they yield, until they kill a million brain cells.” Those are some lyrics off Green Velvet’s La La Land, a club staple in Miami in the early 2000s.

Ah yes, a c’mon dwelling place for most people I met in college or in their 20s, “La La Land”. I was in Miami from 2001-2002 for two semesters but I moved back home to Mexico for 7 months when my father fell ill to cancer for the first time. Once he recovered, I moved back to Florida in 2003. It was a rough but pivotal year for me; I had to start over making friends and this time I lived away from the college campus.

Making new friends in Miami is not an easy feat for an introvert(Or anywhere I suppose). Although it was harder since most of Miami is real douchey. Ha. #tistrue #sorrynotsorry

However, when drunk or high, I learned I could make friends or at least talk to people. This other side of me that I never experienced in sobriety would appear. A “confident,  not self-conscious, social, cocky, flirtatious extrovert” Ricky came out of the woodwork. Or Rico Suave as some would suggest.

I liked summoning him often . (Ok he only appeared with alcohol and ecstasy. With pot I was usually even more chill) In 2003, I suffered my first major ‘heartbreak” and didn’t have closure with that until half a year or more later when I finally broke all ties with this person.  I met him through a mutual friend so it was hard not running into him. He kept teasing me and giving me hope for a while even after he had seemingly moved on. It was the first dating situation (with a man) where someone I was interested in actually corresponded. At least for a while. As mentioned before throughout my blog, all my other previous and brief dating experiences in life involved seeing girls I just wasn’t that into. No matter how hard I tried (You know, the whole same sex attraction struggle). I had experienced heartbreak before, due to having secret crushes on straight guys that I couldn’t talk with anyone about and had to suffer with in silence. (Mainly in high school & early college) Sure enough, first dude I met in the gay scene I got quickly infatuated with. Besides being handsome, charismatic , and popular (basically all the traits I desired and didn’t see in myself); he kept his gay dating life on the download and had more of a straight profile in his social circles. I got pulled in the love bubble so much so that I felt I lost complete control of my emotions at times. (Which is highly disturbing for a control freak)I became quickly possessive and wanting to hang out with him all the time. I felt like the lyrics from Desire’s “Under Your Spell”. Remember that track from the movie Drive? (I totally still want Ryan Gosling’s scorpion jacket)

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I do nothing but think of youuu.. you keep me under your spell, you keep me under your spell….

 

I guess it’s normal when you first start to date, I was still experiencing that teenage puppy kind of love in my early 20s.Looking back, I never want to feel that way again; it was like I lost my entire identity in a person. That’s not healthy at all. It’s what all us humans go through at one point or another. I had no self esteem, so I basically made my love interest my idol. My world from one instant to the next revolved around this new “love”. Everything was rainbows, bouncy clouds, and Care Bears (what? It doesn’t have to be unicorns) when I felt like the center of someone’s world. “Love profusion” as I would call it. (Yep, another song name check.) But when a person I was interested in didn’t act in accordance to my needs or wants; his actions also had the power to make my world anxious, fill it with stormy clouds, jealous rages, and embitter my heart. The thoughts in my head and overwhelming emotions made me feel like a psycho sometimes and I didn’t know how to deal. Well alcohol, drugs, and sex were my go to coping mechanisms. Which of course turned into addictions!

My insecurities sabotaged the few dating experiences that I had. Now I know I was suffering with codependency.(Amongst other things I’m sure) Unconsciously, I was expecting a love interest to fill the vast voids of my heart and soul. I didn’t realize back then that I would never feel secure in a relationship and still be my own person until I learned to fully love myself. Being single most of my life, I have a unique perspective; I’m  saddened by some recurring themes I often see around me in people’s relationships . I obviously get being on both sides of the coin. I’ve observed that there’s at least two different types of people when it comes to dating:

1) People like me (or how I was), that are too self-reliant or guarded to ever be vulnerable and open enough to experience true intimacy with another person. (Granted my experiences made me that way. Your heart gets hardened over time after continual heartbreaks).

2)The other more common type I see is people who are too afraid to be alone, they constantly need to be in a relationship with someone. Even if it’s unhealthy. When it goes awry, eventually it will if one or both parties are codependent; it’s too much pressure to put your entire world on one person. One side eventually will give way. Why? Because nobody’s perfect, everyone has flaws. Those flaws are revealed once the initial puppy love fades away. Then it’s on to the next person in today’s way of thinking; or swipe left. The vicious cycle commences.

 I think there has to be an interdependency, created by a driving force that’s bigger than two imperfect beings, a glue that allows two people to complement one another, but that still permits each person to be their own unique self. Does that make sense? Is there such a thing?

They’re like finding a needle in a haystack, but I actually have met some older, long lasting couples who have withstood the trials of life together and claim this glue to be God. (Not that it doesn’t take a lot of effort from both parties as well) . That gives me hope. I can’t speak to that personally of course since I’m still single. But I can certainly share with you what I discovered won’t work.

I’m reminded of a song from one of my favorite bands of all time. Depeche Mode’s “It’s only when I lose myself in someone else, that I find myself” lyrics proved to be untrue in my life; quite the opposite. I lost myself further, lol. Although not as intense as the heartbreak in 2003 , that feeling of losing myself in another person happened to me a couple more times with guys where the relationships ended before they actually took off. The last time that happened was in 2006 ( I haven’t dated anyone since). I remember one night crying into my pillow and just asking the universe to heal my heart and show me how to love without experiencing so much pain. Obviously, I didn’t know how to do so without being a broken mess. After that, I closed my heart completely off.

10 years later, I’ve been on the journey of learning to be comfortable in my own skin and love myself.  I’ve been blessed to learn how to experience greater intimacy in close friendships that I now have; both with males and females. I’ve needed to discover how to have contentment and joy in life being single. Otherwise I’d just be dumping all my emotional baggage on a partner. (Not that one can get rid of ALL the junk beforehand either. ) My unique journey is in process. You may say “Well, you’ve been single for so long, what makes you think you’re still not codependent and haven’t realized it since you haven’t dated in forever?”

Well, I know I’m not the same person I was a decade ago, because the desire to have a male life partner to fill that void in my heart faded years ago.  Despite still being  physically attracted to males, the more I recover from my sex addiction, the more the intensity of  lustful desires subsides. Emotionally; I haven’t desired a romantic relationship with a guy in a long time. You can say I’ve evolved along the sexuality spectrum. I just can’t see myself going back.  To what? I was miserable. I’m just trying to look forward now. I feel if a relationship does happen it’s  going to be with a woman. I was a shell of the man I am now back when I tried dating women. I’ll have a unique perspective this time. ( I may have talked about this subject matter before, sorry, but rest assured it likely will appear again. It’s complicated.=P )

Point is,  I’ve discovered  that my relationship with  God ; which partially manifests itself through increasingly closer intimate relationships with the people in my life ; has slowly, maturely filled that void in my heart and that it is possible to experience joy in life and to be content; even while single.  I don’t  need to wait until I find “the one”.   I don’t believe In the whole “soul mate” thing either way. That being said, I’m finally open again to the romantic possibilities life brings me; it’ll come at the indicated time and when the universe thinks I’m ready, no need to force it. There’s other areas of my life that I’m being pointed towards focusing more on now. (like my career)

But that first official “ relationship” heartbreak in 2003 definitely was a catalyst for me to start to have more of a “ f**k-it” attitude and lose my innocence. Hence, falling deeper in the party scene; which eventually knocked me into a dark pit with a resounding thud when I came to death’s doorsteps.

Which by the way, I’m gonna pause for now and I’ll tell you about that crazy story on the next post.  Cliffhanger! Not to fret, the conclusion is coming in part 2 in a few days!

 

In the meantime, I’d like to hear your thoughts, emotions, own experiences! Whether it be drunken close-call stories or love-related. Don’t be afraid to share what’s on your mind!

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(Shhh..don’t tell anyone, or else I’ll lose my unwanted hipster cred. lol. Another poppy mainstream dance song that I liked, which played nonstop on a now defunct South Florida dance radio station in 2003.  It’s bittersweet when I hear it, the lyrics remind me of the heartbreak era but overall it’s damn upbeat!)