Learning to Leave Addiction Behind (But I’m Keeping the Disco Ball)

“Drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, bad ass Vegas hoes, late-night booty calls, shiny disco balls” plays in my brain as I begin to delve into this topic…lol.. It was a late night party song about excess from my college days a decade ago. As most of you may know by now, that is if you read the ABOUT section  that I filled in a few weeks ago (upper right hand corner…hint hint), I’m currently in the process of recovering from addiction. Sex addiction to be precise. (Scandalous I know, proceed with caution those that are faint of heart). Right now precisely I’m going through withdrawal, for the millionth time seemingly. (Well this is the first time I’m truly serious about it) Man, I’ve gone through some hard things in my life…but damn.. this particular stage of my life has been a b**ch, for luck of a better word. (It’s been a beach, that’s what I meant of course, what were you thinking? =)  Not the pretty kind though, but one full of seaweed, dead jellyfish, and dark, murky water. Like Galveston, eek). I can now understand why sometimes when they try to make people go to rehab , they say “No, No, No.” .. (C’mon, I just had to; good promo for the biopic ) One day I’m full of joy, hope, determination and the next moment I’m either depressed, wanting to punch someone, I’m annoyed by everybody, completely in despair about my job and life or all of those things put together. Then suddenly I’m my funny upbeat self again and focused on listening to other people’s problems; mostly that’s after I vent on paper or with someone. Through withdrawal, I’ve felt like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at times if I must be honest. No hysterical breakdown of laugher or crying though. (not yet, at least I hope not) Hey but if it’s gotten happen, like Tame Impala sings, just let it happen… let it happen..

As humans, we’re all wired to be addicted to something, I’ve found its fairly unavoidable. It’s not just the obvious predominant vices everyone has experienced or at least heard about. You probably know someone who struggles with a particular addiction(substance of behavioral); most likely they’re probably not aware of it or in total denial. It’s easy to point out a problem out in others, but what about you? Drug, alcohol, sex, food, exercise, work, gambling, the Internet, smartphones, social media, shopping, video games are the ones I can think of at the moment but there’s many others. From the mainstream to the really weird ones. I’ve been fortunate to overcome my drug and alcohol dependency “on my own” per say; slowly and painfully. They both kind of weaned off over time. There was definitely divine intervention, or a higher power if you will, at work in how those habits that I indulged in for years just subtly over time starting losing their grip on me.

Although drugs I will say that for each particular drug that I did I had some kind of experience that made me start to lose interest. Ecstasy: near death experience,( that’ll do it) at least for a few years anyway. That’s an amusing story for a separate post.  I was a stoner for a bit over a decade (Although the last four was very once in a while. In my mind it was never that big of a deal until I slowly started realizing what a douche bag I became to others while I was high. (Became kind of an insult comic if you will; thanks Chappelle’s show; and early college buddies) Not to mention the depression and lethargy that set in afterwards. Took me years to realize that weed had become a huge anchor from getting anything done over time. It exponentially incremented my procrastination about everything. In my mind, everything I did, was always better , when high. From going to the movies, watching TV ..oh wait… being overly active or at all was something I avoided when toking. Except driving (yea I know I know)…dang I used to loved to cruise and listen to some house music. I had zero road rage; I actually drove better and more cautious than when sober, no really; ok , that’s a moot point. Moving on…Schrooms were always quite out there, ranging from laughter, philosophizing & deep conversations, mind playing tricks on you, no crazy hallucinations though. For that I wanted acid (which I’ve heard is like shrooms only triple the intensity and way more of a time commitment). There was a phase in college I was hell-bent on finding some while living in So. Florida. I never did. Crystal Meth I tried it once, I remember it involved heating something in a spoon and then inhaling half-heartily. I obviously didn’t inhale it right or subconsciously didn’t really try because it didn’t hit me. Now that drug I hear is crazy addictive and the guy that persuaded me to “try” it was a mess because of that drug for a long while, before I lost touch with him. Cocaine was another drug that most people in the party scene were absolutely hooked on. Even a couple of close friends of mine. I was fortunate to never develop a liking for it nor try to buy any on my own. (Never was a fan of the drip) It was more of I did it when it was available. It helped me sober up after a long night of drinking, just so you could start drinking some more and get a second wind till the wee hours of the morning. And then spend all of the next day recovering. The reason I’m mentioning all of this is that by God’s grace I survived, not everyone does; nor do I think that everyone’s brain function is quite the same after heavy years of partying.

I drank heavily from about age 16 to age 27. I still drink alcohol, but rarely; and when I do it’s not because I feel like I NEED to. I do it to enjoy and savor the drink and the company I’m with; not get wasted. (despite what Tiesto’s song says) I used to feel so socially awkward that I couldn’t conceive NOT drinking when I went out. Most importantly, I feel like I now know when to put on the brakes and switch to water when a light buzz starts to trickle in. Not to say I’m invincible either, but for the most part I hang with people who keep each other accountable or in check. Or mainly with people who don’t drink at all. Ultimately I’m responsible for myself. It’s different in your 30s than in your 20s, where everyone gets plastered without thinking of how you are getting home later. Luckily for the younger millennials there’s Uber now; although I’d be too cheap or broke during college to pay for a ride home each time, considering the number of times I went out per week.

I’ve never been an “alcoholic “per say , at least I’d like to think so. (probably was, yea definitely was) It was problematic nonetheless, alcohol was a huge catalyst to other self-destructive behaviors and countless stupid situations I got myself into. Can anyone relate? =) Drugs and alcohol usually intermingle; they’re no longer a source of grief in my life but the sex addiction is one that has humbled me to the core. Especially since I was in denial for so many years. Like I’ve mentioned before, my sex life has never been really “overly active”, at least compared to the people I surrounded myself with or what I saw in the media. It was actually pretty lame by worldly standards, mostly by my choice and paranoia of getting an STD. Despite that I still got one in college. That was a hard pill to swallow at the time considering I was just trying to “be myself” and do what people had told me my whole life up to that point: “just get laid”; cause you know, that solves all of life’s problems. Even though the physical encounters were rare, I obviously still dealt with repercussions. I spent countless hours online in a virtual reality seeking and hoping that somehow the next encounter would be different. That I would find the “one”. It was really insanity , repeating the same action over and over expecting different results. (If only I heard that earlier Mr. Einstein)The repetitive compulsion to act out by chatting/flirting online, masturbating or getting off with someone to get that euphoria/ high/dopamine release severely altered the chemistry in my brain over the course of at least 15 years . It formed new synapses (or pathways) in my brain that became deeply engrained and go-to subconscious“ defaults” for whenever stressors surfaced in my life. Any negative emotion that arose in the course of daily life I unknowingly, over time, trained my brain to immediately default to cope with it by sexual release. The thrill and chase of the cycle leading up to that point made life exciting momentarily; it was like a dirty little secret. I now understand that the more we leave our secrets or things we are ashamed of hidden, the more control they have on us. The only way to start breaking free is to expose it to the light..

So I recently reached out for help and got a sponsor through SAA (sex addicts anonymous); after many repeated ill-fated attempts to actually fight back from this addiction. After 7 years of being somewhat aware that I had a problem, one finally comes to a point where hopelessness and despair kicks in and pride is squashed. I guess I needed to go through that to really take it seriously and start fighting for my life. Because it was completely sucking out any drive, confidence or enthusiasm to want to do anything with my life; relationally or career wise. I was also spiritually numb the more I indulged in this deadening addiction. Like a soul-less dead man walking; shame and self-condemnation where like a weight over me, I became my old introverted self and isolated myself from people. I recently added a couple of accountability partners so they would receive reports of what I saw on my computer and smart phone. You can install a filter (I use covenant eyes) that blocks dangerous websites (you can decide what is dangerous for you ; porn or hookup sites is a given, “dating” apps or even legit dating sites are a no no for me). I’ve actually had that filter on for years but it’s quite useless if you have people receiving your reports that don’t really look at them or call you out. However,  when I’m far along in the “cycle”, sometimes I don’t even really  care what sites show up on my report or who sees them. The filter can’t possibly block everything. The whole point is stopping the cycle early on before you get to the point of having made up your mind that you are going to act out no matter what the consequences are. Like I said, acting out differs for many people. Some examples are masturbation, sex with another person, sexting, virtual “sex’ via webcam, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc…Technology provides so many options nowadays. I finally added a buddy to my filter reports who calls me out on my shit in such a way that doesn’t make me feel ashamed or judged but provides the conviction and grace I need. He authentically loves me and I respect his life journey and the mountains he’s overcoming in his own life. It’s self-defeating if you constantly are apologizing for the same thing over and over and when you really have no intent of changing. I think I was doing that for a few years. When you start lying to yourself that’s when you’re definitely in trouble.

There’s four outcomes concerning addiction that someone shared in a meeting recently that really hit home : death, insanity, jail or recovery. I’m all about that last one.

I don’t think I’d survive in jail (I’m a pretty boy, so they say; I’d attract all the wrong kinds of attention, ha), not quite ready to peel over yet ( much to do in this world still), and lastly, there’s already enough insane people in the world . I want to be part of the solution, not the problem. I’m discovering that the key to recovering to addiction is not so much just stopping your behaviors(which out of my own will power is impossible), obviously it’s important to block immediate factors or triggers that lead to acting out; but more so getting to the underlying root of what continually fuels those behaviors. And you kind of also have to retrain your brain by creating new synapses to counter the already formed, deeply embedded patterns of years of stinking thinking. The way to create new synapses is by replacing addiction with new healthy habits or activities. Geez, that’s been a difficult but fruitful process.

It’s forced me to dig deep and explore new interests over the last couple of years like horseback riding, dancing, DJing at home on a turntable , various sports activities like martial arts, yoga & pilates; rediscover old hobbies like biking, hiking, reading and writing. I guess it’s pretty normal  for most people to explore new passions right? Not for me! My brain was so clouded for years that I either I never made time nor had interest in doing any of those things. I think those healthy desires where faintly alive beneath in my soul somewhere, but I was too fearful to try anything else besides the vices I knew. Which were all enabled and reinforced by the constant party scene I was in for over a decade. I’ve had an addict’s brain for years, I’m not going to reverse that overnight; has been quite overwhelming to think of how long it will take. Easier said than done right? Most importantly, I’ve had to now admit to myself that I’m powerless over this, and surrender that to God. That’s why, I have to constantly remind myself to approach it one day at a time.

Like I mentioned , blocking temptation sites on my smart phone and computer was just the first step to achieving sobriety. Even when I do manage to bypass the filter and infiltrate off limit sites the trail is picked up and sent to my accountability partners right away. Luckily, now that I know that most of those sites aren’t accessible, my mind hardly goes there as much anymore since it’s not an option. The scary part of the addict brain that I’m discovering, your subconscious starts giving you new alternatives to acting out, which are usually more extreme.

Let me give you an example. A recent thought that popped in my brain out of nowhere a few weeks ago was to go to a bathhouse. That’s basically like a gay spa where guys go to have sex. I haven’t stepped inside one in over a decade. The few times I did while in college I had to be heavily inebriated to do so. The thoughts coming back into my head of doing that were quite shocking and angering to me; it’s like they form this mirage in your head tempting you of what could be or what pleasurable scenario will play out. The fact it’s just that, a fake oasis in the desert, the illusion bursts once you touch it. It’s always been that way for me in my sex addiction, hardly ever does reality match up to the fantasy. Even when my encounters have turned physical and I met up with a guy I was always disappointed. It was always either they weren’t as attractive as I thought they would be or they didn’t look at all how their pictures looked like online. Of if they did meet my “ image/type” standards, their personalities were such a turnoff to ever want to hang out with that person again. If you are a guy reading this who has heterosexual attractions, if you haven’t noticed, same things apply with sex addiction for all males, just switch up the scenarios that apply to you and the source of focus; which in your case is women.

Most men that I know or that I’ve met always gaze at an attractive girl/guy that passes by.(Whatever you’re into. ) Girls this applies to you as well. That’s ok, It’s human to be tempted or notice an attractive person, that’s unavoidable. No need to beat yourself up about that. It’s what you do with that thought afterwards that could get you into trouble. If you give it room to plant itself in your mind and grow, than that thought turns into lust, then fantasy, and eventually into action right?

If you are in a committed relationship or married and think “ It’s still ok to look at the menu”, boy; you’re going to have problems sooner or later.

Unless you share it with someone you trust, that small thought , if left unchecked can spring up again and turn into a full, continual onslaught and army of thoughts on your mind. Especially when you are going through a rough patch with your partner. You may resist for a while..but lustful thoughts over time turn into fantasy, that eventually leads to porn, or flirting. You begin walking along that dangerous thin line…then it can turn into something physical, a hookup, an affair, the excitement of doing something dangerous and hidden, leading a double life, fear of getting caught, eventually getting caught, family gets broken apart , divorce, dealing with the shame and consequences..etc etc.. (See where I’m going with this?) That’s the mind of the addict, a slippery slope; always testing the limits yet never fully satisfied..before you know it your world can come crashing down..when it just started off with something seemingly insignificant like a lustful glance at a passing stranger.

As aforementioned, its unavoidable to be tempted, but important to at least come to a place of clarity where you are present and self aware enough that you can brush off a thought the moment it comes in. Take it from my experience, you can’t do it on your own. You need people to walk with you in the struggle and have those trusted allies that you can share your darkest, innermost thoughts with. Ultimately those thoughts are not yours. Don’t let them own you and take hold. Ever given thought of where they originate from? After you remove the obvious triggers from your daily life, the more subtle ones start to appear. And those are prompted from underlying emotions or wounds that one has never dealt with. In order to see change in your life, you have to face them at some point. I’m barely starting to and it’s hard. I’m also seeing glimpses of freedom when I do sit in that pain and “acknowledge” negative emotions and delve into their root.. Ultimately one can’t be happy all the time. One step at a time, or “baby steps” like a friend likes to say. I will share more about those subtle “triggers” in my life on my next blog post..

What are you struggling with?
During my darkest moments this song has sprung up on me on more than  one occasion..  I felt like God was speaking to me through the lyrics…

You can clean around the wound
But if you want it to heal
It just takes time

And you can call up to the moon
But if you want something to change
You’ve gotta change your life
And take your time